825-script

comedy4cast #825

A.I. Artificial Interference

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON

GILES

IT PERSON

DANNY HILLCREST...................CLINTON ALVORD

ABBY FALMACHER.....................BONNIE KENDERDINE

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

Oh, hi! Clinton here. Welcome to my show! comedy4cast. Episode 825 to be exact. Brought to you by Gary, Darren, Stan and my other amazing Patreon patrons. Thank you.

To become a patron yourself and help me do what I do here, go to patreon.com/comedy4cast (that's all one word, with the number 4). You can even get episodes before everyone else! How cool is that?!

But right now, we're headed to the lobby of the Venus Arms Hotel and Towers, where an IT person is working on some high tech equipment.

Enjoy the show. I'll be back a bit later.

MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME UP AND OUT.

SCENE 1: HOTEL LOBBY - DAY

SFX: COMPUTER KEYBOARD.

IT PERSON

You know, usually we install these things and that's it. So why've I've been called back here three times this week?

SFX: COMPUTER CHIRPS.

GILES

(annoyed)

Perhaps I'm just a bit more "finicky" than some people. Call me crazy, but I prefer things to work.

IT PERSON

(under their breath)

Oh, you can bet I call you crazy.

GILES

What was that?

IT PERSON

Nothing.

GILES

(under his breath)

I'll bet it was nothing.

IT PERSON

What was that?

GILES

Nothing.

IT PERSON

(under his breath)

I'll bet. He probably...

GILES

(interrupting)

Look, can you please just get this kiosk working? I was told it would simplify my life. So far, it's only made you a semi-permanent resident here at the hotel. And we're not in the business of paying the guests.

IT PERSON

And I'm telling you that this thing is working fine.

IT PERSON (cont'd)

There's nothing wrong with the CPU.

SFX: COMPUTER CHIRP.

IT PERSON (cont'd)

Or the monitor.

SFX: COMPUTER CHIRP.

IT PERSON (cont'd)

Or the A.I. software.

SFX: COMPUTER CHIRP.

GILES

Oh, really? Tell it you want to make a reservation.

IT PERSON

Fine!

(under his breath)

If it's shut you up.

GILES

What was that?

IT PERSON

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD CLICK.

IT PERSON (cont'd)

(to monitor)

Hey, Jiles...

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD CLICK.

GILES

And that's another thing. Why does it respond to "Jiles"? My name is Giles. Giles! And it's still an animated picture of Miss Falmacher on the screen. With my voice! When are you going to fix that reverse Mrs. Doubtfire horror?

IT PERSON

We've been over this! Generating a new avatar takes time. Now, can I get back to making this reservation?

GILES

Sure thing, James Cameron.

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD CLICK.

IT PERSION

Hey, Jiles. I want to make a reservation.

AI GILES (OVER SPEAKER)

Of course.

IT PERSON

Ya see?

AI GILES (OVER SPEAKER)

Welcome to the Venus Arms Hippocampus and Towers!

IT PERSON

Yes. I want to...wait. What did you say?

AI GILES (OVER SPEAKER)

I'm A.I. Glabby, the Virtual Front Desk Astronaut who keeps getting taller, but not wider. How many nights will you be staying with us?

IT PERSON

Now just a minute.

AI GILES (OVER SPEAKER)

I'm sorry. The minimum stay at our hotel is one night stand and matching bed frame.

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD CLICK.

IT PERSON

I've never had one of these things go bad like this before. Are you sure you're not messing with it?

GILES

It's messy enough on it's own, thank you very much.

IT PERSON

Now hold on. Hold on. Why didn't I think of this before? This thing records all the interactions with the kiosk.

GILES

You've been spying on us?!

IT PERSON

Oh, please. Don't flatter yourself. It just records when someone interacts with it. I'll play it here on the monitor.

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD CLICK.

IT PERSON (cont'd)

There. See? That's me from yesterday.

GILES

Ah, yes. Part of your daily routine.

IT PERSON (OVER SPEAKER)

(loudly)

There, you should be all set now.

(under his breath)

Don't worry, Jiles. It's not your fault. I'm betting it's Mr. Crankypants over there doing something wrong.

GILES

What was that?

IT PERSON

Oh, nothing. Let's jump back another day.

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD CLICK.

IT PERSON (cont'd)

Oh, look. It's you this time.

GILES (OVER SPEAKER)

Testing, one, two.

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

Welcome to the Venus Arms Hotel and Towers.

GILES (OVER SPEAKER)

Uh. When are they going to change this to my picture!? I'm beginning to have nightmares about Miss Falmacher speaking with my voice.

(imitating ABBY)

Giles, when are you going to alphabetized the wallpaper? And Giles, why haven't you polished the ceiling?

(under his breath)

Between you and me, I think the installer is doing this on purpose. He's trying to gaslight me.

IT PERSON

Now hold on!

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD CLICK.

IT PERSON (cont'd)

What was all that about?

GILES

Just skip back some more, Bill Gates.

IT PERSON

Well golly. It must be nice still living in the 1990's.

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD CLICK.

GILES (OVER SPEAKER)

Okay, "Jiles". (Sigh._ I'll be back in a few minutes. I have to go inventory Miss Falmacher's Little Wicker Basket collection.

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

They're everywhere.

GILES (OVER SPEAKER)

Yeah. Tell me about it.

SFX: REVOLVING DOOR SPINS (OVER SPEAKER)

GILES

Oh, look. A customer entering the lobby.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

I go and go

Cause I drank espresso

GILES

(disappointed)

Oh, it's just Danny.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

Goes great with burritto

Gotta have more espresso.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS CROSSING LOBBY FLOOR STOPPING AT FRONT DESK.

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

Welcome to the Venus Arms Hotel and Towers!

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

Hi! Danny Hillcrest here. Wait. Who am I talkingly speaking to?

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

I am A.I. Giles, the Virtual Front Desk Assistant.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

Oh! It's a Harry Pottersville framed picture of Miss Falmacher. And Giles is doing some improv scripted dubbing. I love it! It's just like stepping off the subway at Warthog Castle! Hi, Danny Hillcrest here!

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

Welcome to the Venus Arms Hotel and Towers!

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

Giles and Abby. I dub this business power pairing Glabby!

GILES

Of course he named it Glabby.

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD CLICK.

IT PERSON

You know this guy?

GILES

He lives here.

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD CLICK.

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

How many nights will you be staying with us?

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

That's a great question, Glabby. Hmmm. I live here, so, I guess I'll be staying here every night.

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

I'm sorry. That answer is just a bit confusing to me.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

Me, too. And I said it!

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD CLICK.

GILES

I think I've seen enough. We can turn...

IT PERSON

(interrupting)

Oh, no. I want to see more of this.

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD CLICK.

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

I'll rephrase my question, if that is helpful. Please tell me the date of the last night of your stay.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

Oh. That's easy. I stayed here last night. So, I can factually say last night was the last night of my stay here until tonight when that will be the next night that will be my last night of my stay tomorrow.

SFX: COMPUTER SOUNDS

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

I...I...

SFX: COMPUTER SOUNDS

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER) (cont'd)

One moment, please.

SFX: COMPUTER SOUNDS.

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER) (cont'd)

I find a record for a "Danny Hillcrest" that is a resident here at the Venus Arms.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

Wow! Two people with my name! A Danny Duo! What are the odds of that?

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

That depends on a number of factors. If you're curious about the odds of two people sharing the name "Danny Hillcrest", please tell me how wide of an area you want to search.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

It's okay, Glabby. Let's leave that one a magically mystery. Knowing too many new things takes up the brain space I use for useless trivia. Hey, Glabby, did you know that astronauts can growingly get taller in space? Which means they can't grow wider.

IT PERSON

Well there's your problem right there.

GILES

Don't I know it.

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

Let's return to the task of completing your reservation. To help you, I'll use a different reference point. Please tell me the day you will be checking out.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

Woah. That's kind of dark, Glabby. I don't like to think about things like that. Instead, I'll think about this: Did you know that a group of owls is called a Houses of parliament?

SFX: COMPUTER NOISES.

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

I didn't know that.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

And here's a doctorly medical fact: there are more bones in a human foot than in a human hand, but nowhere near as many thumbs.

SFX: COMPUTER NOISES.

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)S

Very interesting.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

I love it! Now you tell me one.

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

I do have one trivia item that was part of my training data set. Where you aware that the average person laughs about 17 times a day?

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

They laugh about 17 times a day? I wonder what's so funny about the words "17 times a day"? It must be an secretly inside joke. You know, Glabby, I think the word "hobnobbing" is even funnier. People should laugh about hobnobbing instead of "17 times a day".

SFX: COMPUTER NOISES.

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

Noted.

The following bits of dialogue overlap. Computer input noises are interspersed.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

Did you knowingly realize that apples are members of the Rose Bowl family?

SFX: COMPUTER NOISES.

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

New token accepted.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

Your brain has a hippocampus but no hippo students.

SFX: COMPUTER NOISES.

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

Token accepted.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

Illinois is known as "The Land of Lincoln, Nebraska."

SFX: MULTIPLE COMPUTER NOISES IN.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER) (cont'd)

The state flour of Florida is King Arthur. Sorry, Pillsbury.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER) (cont'd)

Even though their stage name was the Righteous Brothers, Bill and Bobby weren't actually righteous.

Nobody ever stops to think about the fact the name of the song they're singing is "Silent Night".

There's a group of people who actually think the Golden Globes mean something.

Voyager 6 was the first space probe to visit The Globe Theater, Planet Fitness and Walt Disney World.

SFX: MULTIPLE COMPUTER NOISES END.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER) (cont'd)

I'd like to stay and chat some more, Glabby, but I have to go to the movie theater to see the first few minutes of a double bill showing of "Mean Girls" and "Mean Girls." I just have to figure out when to go back in to walk out the second time.

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

"Mean Girls," released in 2004, has a run time of one hour and thirty-seven minutes.

DANNY (OVER SPEAKER)

Thanks, Glabby! That'll give me enough time to go out to the lobby and use the free-form jazz Coke machine to continue my mega side quest challenge of creating every flavor combination there is. So far, I've done Coke and Coke and ice! Later.

AI GILES (ALTERED OVER SPEAKER)

Thank you for staying with us. I've credited 146,000 room nights to your frequent bookings rewards account. With as few as fifty more room nights, you will be eligible for a free bagel at our complimentary morning buffet.

SFX: SINGLE KEYBOARD CLICK

IT PERSON

Well, we've learned two things today, haven't we? First, your rewards program sucks. And second, either that guy goes, or I have to yank this system out of here. Artificial intelligence is not ready to deal with whatever that was.

GILES

Are you telling me that I have to choose between Danny Hillcrest or my AI Front Desk Assistant? Danny, or the thing designed to actually help me?

IT PERSON

Exactly. That's the choice.

GILES

I see.

MUSIC: TRANSITION MUSIC.

SCENE 2: HOTEL LOBBY - NEXT MORNING

SFX: REVOLVING DOOR SPINS.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS WALKING ACROSS THE MARBLE LOBBY FLOOR.

ABBY

(upset, loudly at first as she crosses the lobby)

Giles! Giles!

GILES

Yes, Miss Falmacher?

ABBY

Danny Hillcrest called me this morning. He was very upset. I could barely understand him -- well, even more barely than usual. He said you "got rid" of someone named "Glabby"?

GILES

(sadly)

Yes.

ABBY

And where's that fancy kiosk you insisted you wanted?

GILES

Miss Falmacher, let's just say things didn't work out and never speak of this again.

ABBY

(not getting it, but trusting Giles)

All right.

(glancing upward)

By the way, I was noticing that the ceiling here in the lobby has gotten rather dirty. Do you think you could get up there and polish it?

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: END THEME IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

Well, this time around, A.I. was actually used in the creation of this episode. I trained a system how to do my Giles voice to add a touch of realism to A.I. "Jiles".

In this episode, the part of Abby Falmacher was played by Bonnie Kenderdine.

Now next time, Detective Haartte challenges you to solve another one of his HaartteStoppers. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.

MUSIC: UP AND PLAYS THROUGH TO END.

-- END --