comedy4cast #824

Rolling Into The New Year

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON

DERRICK

RORY..............................CLINTON ALVORD

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

Oh, hi! Clinton here. Welcome to my show! comedy4cast. Episode 824 to be exact. Brought to you by Kreg, Kalynn, Krazy Joe's Consession Stand and my other amazing Patreon patrons. Thank you.

To become a patron yourself and help me do what I do here, go to patreon.com/comedy4cast (that's all one word, with the number 4). You can even get episodes before everyone else! How cool is that!

Today we're listening in while Derrick and Rory talk about -- well, whatever they want to.

Enjoy the show. And I'll be back a bit later.

MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME UP AND OUT.

SCENE 1: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO - DAY

RORY's voice is panned to the left with ambient reverb on the right channel. DERRICK's voice is panned to the right, with ambient reverb on the left channel.

DERRICK

Hi. I'm Derrick.

RORY

And I'm Rory.

DERRICK

We were just talking about the fact that it's a brand new year.

RORY

Yeah, yeah. 20 fill-in-the-blank. How time flies. Flown. Flock. Save the Texas Prairie Chicken! Beh-gosh!

DERRICK

Have you made any new year's resolutions?

RORY

No way, he exclaimed! I made a point of promising myself I wouldn't do that again this year. Auld Anxiety! What about you, brother?

DERRICK

I made a resolution to learn how to play an instrument.

RORY

That's cool. You should try the Geiger Counter. It has it's own built in click track.

RORY imitates a Geiger counter with a dance beat.

RORY (cont'd)

No static at all, Fm - Fermium!

DERRICK

Now that it's a new year, what are you most looking forward to?

RORY

Lunch.

DERRICK

That's a pretty low bar.

RORY

Oh. Liquid lunch. Hmmm. I guess it's twenty-twenty-five-o'clock somewhere. Skol!

DERRICK

You seem a little off, Rory. I wonder if you're still recovering from your time as mayor of Middling Fair.

RORY

Maybe Baby. That was a pretty intense side hustle. I mean, It was hard for me to imagine I was the Mayor

DERRICK

I know. It was hard for everyone else to imagine it, too.

RORY

Spit take - minus the liquid.

RORY makes some kind of noise with his mouth.

RORY (cont'd)

ASMR challenged! Which reminds me, can I try something?

DERRICK

Sure.

RORY

Okay. Great!

RORY pants as he runs to the other microphone.

SFX: FOOSTEPS RACING FROM LEFT TO RIGHT.

RORY's voice comes out of the right channel.

RORY (cont'd)

Testing. Testing. 3.14. 3.14. Oh, I'm repeating myself. Wow! It's so roomy over here! But, gotta run!

RORY pants as he runs to the other microphone.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS RACING FROM RIGHT TO LEFT.

RORY's voice goes back to the left channel.

RORY (cont'd)

Channel surfing! When you don't know your left from your right. This concludes this test.

DERRICK

Getting back to what we were talking about -- if that's even possible -- I've been meaning to ask you. What was your biggest take-away from your time as mayor?

RORY

Ah. It was that they don't let you take away your rolling office chair.

DERRICK

You tried to walk off with your office chair?

RORY

Nope. I rolled in it the whole way. Zzzzzzz. Down the hall. Foom! Past the vending machines. Cha-ching! By the comptroller's office -- a person I never once saw trolling any comps. Sswerve! Out through the loading dock ramp and straight into the parking lot. All the whilst enjoying my newly purchased Three Musketeers bar, sans d'Artagnan.

DERRICK

Rory! I'm shocked!

RORY

I know. But they were out of Richelieu Peanut Butter Cups. Holy Huzzah!

DERRICK

You know exactly what I mean. How could you go and steal something like that?

RORY

Don't worry, brother. I couldn't go through with it.

DERRICK

I should hope not.

RORY

Curse you freakishly-tall exit lane speed bumps! You're nothing but a low rent roller coaster!

DERRICK

Either way, you must have advice for anyone taking on the roll of a public official.

RORY

Oh. Must I?

DERRICK

You mean there's nothing you'd want to say to someone taking on an important position like Mayor?

RORY

You mean besides urging them to mandate height limits on speed bumps?

DERRICK

Yes. Besides that.

RORY

I don't know. It seemed pretty important at the time.

DERRICK

Remember what Uncle Ben said to Peter Parker -- "With great power comes great responsibility."

RORY

That's crazy. That means if you're powerless you can do whatever you want? That road leads to chaos. And speed bumps of unregulated size.

DERRICK

I don't think that's what Uncle Ben meant. But I was thinking more about the fact that once someone is in office, they have an awful lot of power and have to use it wisely.

RORY

Look, let's get real. Velveteen JoJo Rabbit-style! The truth is, the surge of power that comes from being in charge of a small town can go right to your head. Woooooovt! Which is why I think royalty should always wear those Burger King crowns. That way the power doesn't get stuck up there and make you go bald -

DERRICK

Well, that may be good advice, but we don't have royalty here in the United States.

RORY

I think the patent office would beg to differ.

DERRICK

Rory, what about advice for anyone taking office here this year?

RORY

Just don't get used to that chair. You can't take it with you. Kaufman! Hart! One A, One T!

DERRICK

I see. Anything else?

RORY

Yeah yeah. Put the needs of your constituents ahead of your own.

DERRICK

Now that's a good idea.

RORY

Yeah. Even if they want the last peanut butter cup in the vending machine. It's like I always say, "Ask not what your confection can do for you. Ask what you can do for your Klondike Bar."

DERRICK

You know, Rory --

RORY

We've bumped into each other from time to time.

DERRICK

Lots of politicians write their memoirs after they've left office.

RORY

No way. Not me.

DERRICK

Really?

RORY

I'm not going to stand up at my chairless desk while I write a whole book! Varicose veins! You're so vein! This whole vein is out of order!

DERRICK

Rory, I can buy you a rolling office chair.

RORY

In that case, I'll begin work on my book immediately.

DERRICK

Do you have any ideas for a catchy title?

RORY

A few. I think I'll give "Seasonal Flu" a shot.

DERRICK

Happy new year, Rory.

RORY

Same to you, brother.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: END THEME IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

And a happy new year to all of you, too!

No A.I. was used in the creation of this show. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Voices, as well as story and music by me, Clinton Alvord. Copyright 2025. All rights reserved.

Next time, A.I. shows up at the Venus Arms Hotel and Towers. And it may have met it's match. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.

MUSIC: UP AND PLAYS THROUGH TO END.

(cont'd)

-- THE END --