comedy4cast #819

Odd News+ for August 27, 2024

"Swimming to Milwaukee"

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON............................CLINTON ALVORD

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

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ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

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CLINTON

This is comedy4cast, episode 819: Swimming To Milwaukee.

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CLINTON

It's time, once again, for the Dog Days of Podcasting. For more information and to hear all the shows, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.

Let's get started with "Odd News+"!

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SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY 1: PUMPKIN SPICE

CLINTON

Here are our stories for Tuesday, August 27, 2024.

First up, it's official the start of Pumpkin Spice season. This year, in additional to all then normal offerings, such as the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice latte, first introduced in 2003, one company hopes to flip the entire P.S. season on its head.

Startup Fork Pumpkin Spice is introducing Pumpkin Spice knives, forks and spoons.

By using this spice-infused cutlery, literally everything you eat will have that unmistakable artificial flavors flavor that takes you back, oh, about a dozen years or so.

A spokesperson for the company told Odd News+ that this is just the beginning. They plan on manufacturing pumpkin spice plates, cups, napkins and straws.

They are still working on perfecting the Pumpkin Spice frying pan.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY 2: SWIMMING

CLINTON

Now lets get to our actual, for-real Odd News story...

Imagine spending years training for an epic athletic event, only to be thwarted by something totally unexpected.

No, this is not the story of an Olympic pole vaulter. It's the tale of Jim Dreyer. A 60-year-old swimmer who recently attempted to swim across Lake Michigan. A distance of over 80 miles.

Unfortunately, Dreyer was pulled from the water after three days, by which point he had swum 60 miles. Oh, so close. I guess he just didn't have what it took.

Hold on. This odd story is not quite what you think it is. Dreyer might have made it to Milwaukee, but the two double-a batteries in his GPS device were failing. "No problem," Dreyer thought. He had a inflatable catamaran with him to carry his supplies. Things like energy shakes and a flare gun. He pulled two spare AA batteries out of a pouch on the catamaran and set them down. But when he turned back a few seconds later, the batteries were gone. I blame those jerk porpoises. This is exactly the type of shenanigans they think are funny.

Anyway, with no hope of using the GPS, Dreyer attempted to carry on with the swim, navigating with a wrist compass and readings of the sky and waves.

But 24 hours later, members of a volunteer rescue team motored up to Dreyer. They told him he had been swimming in a circle since his GPS system died. Even if he immediately corrected course, he was 47 miles away from his goal - more than half the total length of the swim. It was over.

Dreyer had also attempted this same swim in 2023, but, in that case, strong currents forced him to quit.

Why was Dreyer even trying to do this at 60 years old. Great question. Surprising answer -- to celebrate not only his 60th birthday, but also the 25th anniversary of his successful trip across Lake Michigan in 1998.

In fact, Dreyer has made direct crossings of the five Great Lakes, earning him the nickname "The Shark."

I think the big mistake Dreyer made for this swim was his decision to give a nod to that first crossing 25 years ago by adding 25 miles to the length of the swim. Honestly, a nice custom t-shirt, or carrying a bit of anniversary cake in the catamaran would have been just as good.

Oh, and one more odd thing, back in 2014, Dreyer towed over one ton of bricks for 22 miles from Canada to Detroit, across Lake St. Clair. A swim that took over 30 hours to complete. And before you ask "why would he do that?" Okay, maybe it's too late and you already asked. But, he was trying to raise money and awareness for Habitat for Humanity.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY 3: NASCAR

CLINTON

And finally...

NASCAR has just announced a major rules change to be implemented during the 2025 season. In order to compete in the season, drivers must qualify by performing a series of driving related tasks.

These include safely navigating a pre-set obstacle course, scoring at least 80% on a written driving exam, staying completely inside the lines when parking at the grocery store, 20 hours of community Uber or Lyft service, driving a minivan full of teenagers to and from a concert or teaching 6 teenagers how to use a stick shift, successfully returning a rental car to the lot with less one gallon of gas in the tank or less than 1 mile's worth of charge left on the battery, and be seen in public driving a SmartCar, AMC Pacer, PT Cruiser or Cybertruck. Drivers who fail to complete all qualifying tasks will be required to take at least 5 friends or relatives to the airport strictly as a favor, as well as offer to pick them up when they return.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

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CLINTON

That about wraps it up for today's Odd News+. A big thanks to the comedy4cast patrons for helping make this show possible.

Story, voices and original music by Clinton Alvord, Copyright 2024. All rights reserved.

Talk to you next time. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

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