comedy4cast #805

Odd News+ for Tuesday, August 13, 2024

"Not As Stated On The Tin"

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON............................CLINTON ALVORD

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

CLINTON

This is comedy4cast, episode 805: Not As Stated On The Tin

MUSIC: OPENING THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

It's time, once again, for the Dog Days of Podcasting, a call for podcasters to try to put out a podcast every day in August. For more information and to hear all the shows, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.

Here at the comedy4cast studio we've been working on a new format for this year's dog days. Sure, like in years past, there will be an actual odd news story, but that's not all. So, let's get started with "Odd News+"!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY 1: CROCKS VS GATORS

CLINTON

Here are our Odd News stories for Tuesday, August 13, 2024.

First up, alligators and crocodiles. Both are capable of short burst of speed. But which is actually faster. To find out, we sent 17 lab mice to the city zoo with raw chickens to entice the beasts into action and stopwatches to time the reptiles as they sprinted for the food.

Spoiler: it did not go well. Sadly, due to an error by our production assistant, Pauline, the instructions were inverted and a few of the mice didn't pick up on that. The good news is, we now know that crocodiles and alligators aren't attracted to stopwatches and that Pauline is dyslexic. We're helping her find assistance. The bad news? Pixel, Mittens and Peapod, you will be missed.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY 2: CHICKEN

CLINTON

Now lets get to our actual, for-real Odd News story...

If you bought a sandwich called "Meat-Lover's Special," and there was no meat in it, would you be upset? Or, for some of you, if you bought the "Vegetarian Delight" and you found ham slices in there, would that be surprising?

What if I said "boneless chicken wings" and you found bones in it?

By the way, do you want fries with any of this? And I can upgrade that order to a meal for just a dollar more.

Where was I? Oh. Right. Ohio. The Ohio Supreme Court, to be specific. Because while they didn't weight in on sandwiches, or pay for them, they did rule on a case involving boneless chicken wings.

It all started eight years ago, when Michael Berkheimer was out with his wife and friends at a wing joint in Hamilton, Ohio. Berkheimer ordered boneless wings with Parmesan garlic sauce. But, while he was eating them, and presumably talking about the sorts of things people in Hamilton, Ohio discuss, like which band they most look forward to seeing at the RiversEdge concert series, or who scored the best deal at the Pyramid Hill Art Fair, he felt like a bite-size piece of meat had gone down the wrong way. Three days later, Berkheimer was in a hospital emergency room, where a doctor discovered part of a wishbone, that had lodged in his troat and tore his esophagus.

When that happened, everything he ate decided to take a detour and exit through the tear - going directly into his chest cavity. Unsurprisingly, that lead to a bacteria buildup. He had fevers, a heart attack, a collapsed lung and was placed in a coma twice.

He sued the restaurant and its suppliers citing negligence.

The case eventually reached the Ohio Supreme Court. Just recently, in a 4-3 ruling, the Court ruled that consumers cannot expect boneless chicken wings to actually be free of bones.

Writing for the majority, Justice Joseph T. Deters wrote “A diner reading ‘boneless wings’ on a menu would no more believe that the restaurant was warranting the absence of bones in the items than believe that the items were made from chicken wings, just as a person eating ‘chicken fingers’ would know that he had not been served fingers.”

I'll be the first person to have chicken fingers didn't know that. "Hank! Why the heck did you cook a chicken with fingers? You could have made a fortune!"

in the dissenting opinion, Justice Joseph P. Donnelly wrote “Does anyone really believe that ...parents...who feed their young children boneless wings or chicken tenders or chicken nuggets or chicken fingers expect bones to be in the chicken? Of course they don’t When they read the word ‘boneless,’ they think that it means ‘without bones,’ as do all sensible people.”

But the Ohio Supreme Court has spoken. So, as a public service, we suggest you proceed with caution when ordering the following items:

ROCKY ROAD Ice Cream

Welsh RABBIT - order it by the newer name "Rarebit" and you might be okay.

Steak DIANE or Beef WELLINGTON

Baked ALASKA - that special crunch? Could be pipeline

Pigs in a BLANKET

HEADCHEESE -- oddly enough, it's the random piece of cheese you need to watch out for there

GROUND Beef

VEGETARIAN Bacon

EGG CREAM - sorry, New York. You've been warned

And, need we say it? Hot DOGS.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY 3: COFFEE CONVERSATDIONS

CLINTON

And finally, during yesterday's Odd News+ show, we introduced a segment called Coffee Conversations, where we slow down the pace and enjoy a cup of joe while chatting about some of our recent stories.

However, I misunderstood the concept and attempted to talk while drinking the coffee. My producer informed me that I should finish the coffee first, then begin speaking. I feel so silly. So, let's try this again.

Okay. I've poured myself a nice big Caprica Coffee Mug full of coffee. It should only take me about 10 minutes to finish it, and then we can get started.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That about wraps it up for today's Odd News+. A big thanks to the comedy4cast patrons for helping make this show possible.

Story, voices and original music by Clinton Alvord, Copyright 2024. All rights reserved.

Talk to you next time. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

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