comedy4cast #797

Odd News+ for Monday, August 5

"It All Hinges On This"

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON............................CLINTON ALVORD

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.

CLINTON

This is comedy4cast, episode 797: It All Hinges On This

MUSIC: OPENING THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

It's time, once again, for the Dog Days of Podcasting, a call for podcasters to try to put out a podcast every day in August. For more information and to hear all the shows, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.

Here at the comedy4cast studios we've been working on a new format for this year's dog days. Sure, like in years past, there will be an actual odd news story, but that's not all. So, let's get started with "Odd News+"!

MUSIC: THEME MUSIC UP AND OUT.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY 1: STEP IN TIME

CLINTON

Here are our stories for Monday, August 5rd, 2024.

First up, according to the latest edition of the Trapper Keeper of the American Medical Association, doctors are no longer recommending that people aim get in ten thousand steps a day for good health. The new guideline suggests people should target walking FOUR thousand steps, shuffle for 500, lumber 200, stagger 50, trudge 20 and meander as much as possible. Strutting, striding and strolling are optional. And sleepwalking is always encouraged.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

STORY 2: BOTTLE CAPS

CLINTON

Now lets get to our actual, for-real Odd News story...

A recent TikTok video has taught people how to drink a bottle of Coke. Or Pepsi. It's all good. Peace and love. Peace and love.

But getting back to the story. You're probably wondering why people in 2024 were scratching their heads over how to drink out of a plastic bottle.

It turns out that, as part of an initiative to help curb the massive plastic waste problem affecting us all, the European Union has mandated that those small screw-off caps on plastic bottles have to stay attached to the bottles. Apparently bottle caps are one of the items most often carelessly discarded by consumers. That and fidget spinner display cases. It seemed like such a good idea at the time!

But it's the design of the tethered bottle cap that has people in a bit of a tizzy. Or, more accurately, in a flap. Because everyone is finding it hard to drink out of the bottle. You see, when the cap is flipped back, it stops when it's halfway turned over and ends up looking like some kind of miniature submarine hatch. It can hit you in the nose or the side of the mouth, making it hard to take a sip of your favorite carmel-colored caffeine in sugar water. Grrrr.

Okay, First of all, if y'all hadn't been tossing these things on the ground like oak trees shaking off acorns, we might not be here in the first place. Just sayin'.

But here we are. And also here is a video by a TikTok content creator who simply goes by the name Joanna. Her video starts off with her sharing her own frustrations with the new caps. Nice. Remember, it's always good to first identify with your audience and state the nature of the fizzy drink emergency.

But then, in an Joanna says that a friend at work explained that just unscrewing the cap and flipping it back is not how it works.

I guess that means Joanna's FRIEND is really the hero of this story. But, her contribution will always be reduced to simply being a friend of Joanna.

Joanna then holds up a bottle. Oh. Props! And notes that the hinges that attach the cap to the bottle are on a thin band. After you unscrew the cap, you simply drag it over the opening, bringing the hinge and the thin band along for the ride. The cap then sits snug against the neck of the bottle, out of the way.

Mind. Blown.

Now, Joanna, about those coffee cup lid flaps that never seem to want to stay in place. Got anything on that?

HOOSH.

STORY 3: MINOR STORY 2

CLINTON

And finally, our last story for today is a follow up to a story we ran about six seconds ago.

We were talking about those plastic bottle caps.

It turns out that they break down, tossing even more microplastics into the environment. Seriously. Microplastics are so much less fun than Micro Machines.

Even worse, SOME caps break down faster than others. Researchers at the University of Leicester have demonstrated that the color of the cap can affect the rate at which the plastic breaks down. And it doesn't even matter if you spell color with or without a "U".

The researchers say that tests show black, white and silver colourants in the caps protect the plastic from damaging ultraviolet radiation which changes its polymer structure making it brittle.

But, hey, there is some positive news here. Now you know that if you don't want your outdoor furniture to disintegrate, forget colors like red, green and blue. Get some nice black lawn furniture. It will last way longer. Especially because outdoors that stuff will heat up close to the temperature of the Sun and you'll never sit on it!

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: 'END THEME'

CLINTON

That about wraps it up for today's Odd News+. A big thanks to the comedy4cast patrons for helping make this show possible.

Story, voices and original music by Clinton Alvord, Copyright 2024. All rights reserved.

Talk to you next time. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye!

MUSIC: 'END THEME' UP AND OUT.

-- THE END --