comedy4cast #791
Danny Hillcrest Previews 2024's Hot Summer Movies
Written by
Clinton Alvord
CAST
(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)
ID ANNOUNCER.......................COMPUTER
CLINTON
BUZZ "SCOOP" CRACKERJACK THOMAS
DANNY HILLCREST
SEGMENT ANNOUNCER
BUGS BUNNY
ELMER FUDD
DAFFY DUCK
MAD MAX MAN
CORRUPT COP
LANDRY
BURNETTE
CONFUSED EMOTION
SAD EMOTION
FOCUS EMOTION....................CLINTON ALVORD
MAD MAX WOMAN
HAPPY EMOTION
SURPRISED EMOTION................BONNIE KENDERDINE
INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO
MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING
ID ANNOUNCER
The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.
MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.
MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME IN AND UNDER.
CLINTON
Oh, hi! Clinton here. And welcome to my show! This is comedy4cast, episode 791 "Danny Hillcrest Previews 2024's Hot Summer Movies". Brought to you by Steve, Howard, Kreg, Zack and my other amazing Patreon Patrons. Thank you!
To become a patron yourself, and help me do what I do, plus get episodes before everyone else, go to patreon.com/comedy4cast (all one word, with the number 4).
And stick around after the episode for, uh, "After the episode". Okay. On with the show!
MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME UP AND OUT.
SCENE 2: TV STUDIO - NIGHT
SFX: BUZZ AUDIO FADES IN.
BUZZ
Turning to sports, our own Middling Fair Cul de Sacs won another game on the road last night. The game was called early when the umpire had to leave to make a DoorDash delivery. No word yet on how big the tip was. And now, with all that out of the way, it's time for a special investigate report by yours truly, Buzz "Scoop" Crackerjack Thomas, ace investigative reporter for the Middling Fair Courier Times Roman Bold Italic. I've spent the last six months investigating the shady underworld of greeting cards. How many of them actually contain greetings? Happy birthday? Not a greeting. Your retirinig? Not a greeting. This story will blow the lid off...
MUSIC: "SPECIAL BULLETIN" THEME
BUZZ (cont'd)
Ladies and gentlemen, I've just received word that my segment is being bumped for something "more critical". Walloping Walter Cronkite! What could be more important?
DANNY
Hi! Danny Hillcrest here.
BUZZ
No time for you tonight, Hillcrest. Something important is coming up.
DANNY
I love it! Because it's me, Danny Hillcrest with...
MUSIC: DANNY'S HOLLYWOOD THEME IN AND UNDER.
ANNOUNCER
Danny Hillcrest's Sizzling Summer, Summer 2024 Movie Preview Reviews!
MUSIC: UP AND OUT.
BUZZ
How is this more important that my hard-boiled-journalist style investigative report?
DANNY
Wow, Buzz. I didn't know you also had a cooking show!
BUZZ
Besides, when The New Low Channel -- now with more of everything -- permanently shelved that movie of yours last year, I thought you were going to wash your hands of all this Tinsletown Tripe.
DANNY
Me, too, Buzz. But every time I tried to get my clean hands out, random clickbait headlines kept pulling me back in. And then I'd have to wash my hands again. That's also why I want to welcomingly greet my new sponsor, Smellz-a-Lot Hand Soap. But first, let's get started with...
BUZZ
No! You just played...
MUSIC: DANNY'S HOLLYWOOD THEME IN AND UNDER.
ANNOUNCER
Danny Hillcrest's Sizzling Summer, Summer 2024 Movie Preview Reviews!
MUSIC: UP AND OUT.
ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
Sponsored by Smellz-a-Lot Hand Soap. Now with active ingredients.
BUZZ
I'm going to do what the kids these days do and text upper management. Right now.
SFX: TEXTING SOUND AT TIMES THROUGHOUT SECTION.
BUZZ (cont'd)
(to himself)
How do I get this thing to make capital letters?
DANNY
There are so many Summer movies and films and motion pictures to cover this Summer I decided to narrow-cast a wide net and cover just one kind of film. That rare Hollywood movie type -- the sequel!
BUZZ
(to himself)
I'll tell you when I want you to correct my spelling, phone. I say that word has one "P".
DANNY
First up, on May 10th get ready for a one-two combo punch of movie theme plots with "Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes."
SFX: HORN BLOWS SINGLE NOTE.
DANNY (cont'd)
This movie will have all the complicated relationships of "King Kong," and all the non-stop action of "The Crown." It's... "Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes"!
SFX: HORN BLOWS SINGLE NOTE, WITH END OF NOTE GOING OFF KEY.
DANNY (cont'd)
Just when you thought this franchise had flung it's last piece of shot footage at the screen "Kingdom of the Rising Planet of the Apes" is back with a twist that you won't see coming -- unless you've ever seen any of the other "Kingdom of the Returning Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" movies. In fact, check out this exclusive clip.
SFX: TEXTING STOPS.
BUZZ
Hang on, Hillcrest! All the major studios have banned you from using their clips.
DANNY
You're right, Buzz! And that means now I can make up my own! In this one, apes are still hunting human being people, but something has changed. Now they have all the proper permits. Check it out.
SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.
SCENE 3: CLIP FROM "KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES"
SFX: EXTRA COMPRESSED SOUND TO SIGNAL THIS IS A CLIP.
MUSIC: LOONEY TUNES-STYLE PIECE, DRIVEN BY THE LINE-BY-LINE DIALOGUE.
BUGS
Nyah, got you cornered now. Say you prayers, Doc.
ELMER
Aww, pweeze don't, mistewr ape. You wouldn't wonna bweak the waw. It's not human season.
BUGS
It isn't?
ELMER
No. Wook. It's duck season.
DAFFY
No! No, no, no, no, no! It's human season.
ELMER
Duck season.
DAFFY
Human season.
ELMER
Duck season.
DAFFY
Human season.
ELMER
Human season.
DAFFY
Duck... (CATCHES HIMSELF) Oh no, you don't. I'm not falling for that one again. It'd Duck season.
SFX: BANG.
DAFFY (cont'd)
You're derivative.
SFX: EXTRA COMPRESSED SOUND ENDS TO SIGNAL END OF CLIP.
SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.
SCENE 4: TV STUDIO - NIGHT
DANNY
Wow! Be sure to catch...
SFX: AFTER SEVERAL ATTEMPTS, HORN BLOWS SINGLE NOTE.
DANNY (cont'd)
"Kingdom of the Battling Conquest to Escape from the Planet of the Apes" -- a franchise we all hope has an ending. Somewhere.
SFX: TEXTING CONTINUES.
BUZZ
(to himself)
Why is there an eggplant drawing in this bunch of icons. Who uses that?
DANNY
On May 24th mark on your calender in permanent pencil and then head out to see "Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga."
This story that takes us back to a land filled with tricked-out dune buggies and steam Punky Brewster cosplay gone wild. But, I have to say that to the lack of Vin Diesel in this "Fast and Furiosa" post-elliptical future is disappointing. Then again, all the Mad Max movies are so jam-packed with wall-to-wall dialogue, it's easy to see why the guy who voices Groot was left at the burnt-out rest stop on this road trip.
BUZZ
(to himself)
Where did the cursor go? Why am I back at the home screen?
DANNY
Director George "Mitch" Miller cast Anya Taylor-Joy in the title lead role of Furiosa. And Chris Hemsworth in the roll of "Australian". Can Momosa make it through the beyond Thunderdome and find her way back to Wasteland, New Zealand? Or will the cast of "Cirque Du Solee: Junkyard Wars" checkmate her before she can begin an epic car chase in the third act? Who knows? Just get ready to break out your Google Translates for maybe scenes like this:
SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.
SCENE 5: CLIP FROM "FURIOSA: A MAD MAX SAGA"
SFX: EXTRA COMPRESSED SOUND TO SIGNAL THIS IS A CLIP.
MUSIC: DRAMATIC, SINGLE-NOTE LEAD-IN.
SFX: A HARD WIND BLOWS OVER THE BARREN LANDSCAPE.
SFX: THE CALM IS INTERRUPTED BY THE SOUND OF AN APPROACHING VEHICLE.
SFX: ENGINE STOPS.
MALE
(yelling)
Oi. Had a Captain Hook over that ridge, mate. Gonna be 50 clicks of hard yakka to get to that doovalacky of yours.
SFX: OTHER ENGINES BEGIN REVVING UP, EVENTUALLY FORMING A SOLID WALL OF SOUND.
FEMALE
(yelling)
Ripper! Ready to frog and toad?
MALE
(yelling)
You've one roo loose in the top paddock, mate. But let's give it a burl.
FEMALE
(needing to come up with something else to yell.)
Uh...Shrimp on the barbie!
SFX: EXTRA COMPRESSED SOUND ENDS SIGNAL END OF CLIP.
SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.
SCENE 6: TV STUDIO - NIGHT
DANNY
I love it!
BUZZ
(to himself)
Hillcrest's report is full of uninformed rambling, is slapdash, and don't hold water!
DANNY
Thanks for reminding me, Buzz! Sponsor time! Did you know that Smellz-a-Lot Hand Soap is hydro-actively energized when you use it with water? I didn't.
SFX: TEXTING STOPS.
BUZZ
Hillcrest, I'm forced to ask, how the heck did you use a bar of soap without water?
DANNY
I just held one or two in each hand all the time.
BUZZ
That's not how...
DANNY
(interrupting)
It kept my hands smelling minty fresh! That's how you know it's working!
BUZZ
(to himself)
Where was I?
SFX: TEXTING RESUMES.
DANNY
And we've worked our way to June, where the next sequel in our traffic-jammed highway of nostalgic action movies walks on to the screen on June 7th. It's "Bad Boys: Ride or Die"
"Ride or Die" re-teamingly re-unites "Bad Boys, Bad Boys" stars Will Smith and Martin Lawrence as Miami cops who don't play by the rules because those D and D instructions are just too complicated. Am I right? How can you hurtingly damage a fire-breathing imagine dragon by throwing dice at it?
BUZZ
(to himself)
And how did he get a sponsorship? Where's the question mark?
DANNY
But "Bad Boys: Ride or Die" isn't your normally average sequel. Oh no. It has a twist-and-shout surprise turn-of-events -- when our heroes end up being the ones Runningly riding for their lives! They're set up by a corrupt cop who maybe confronts them in a scene maybe like this.
SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.
SCENE 7: CLIP FROM "BAD BOYS: RIDE OR DIE"
SFX: EXTRA COMPRESSED SOUND TO SIGNAL THIS IS A CLIP.
MUSIC; DRAMATIC MUSIC INTRO'S THE SCENE.
CORRUPT COP
You two are getting too close to the truth for your own good. So, I'm gonna offer you a choice.
LOWRY
What?
BURNETT
What?
CORRUPT COP
You can either ride...or die. Hehehe. Oh. Now that I think about it, I guess you could ride and die. That'd be three choices. And if you think you can die and then ride, that'd make four choices. Look at me! I'm Mr. Options today!
Hey, where did they go?
MUSIC: INSTRUMENTAL WITH A DRIVING BEAT BEGINS.
SFX: CAR DOORS SLAM SHUT.
SFX: CAR ENGINE STARTS AND REVS.
SFX: CAR DRIVES AWAY.
CORRUPT COP (cont'd)
So, they decided to ride, did they? But hey! Wait!
(yelling)
Did you want to die, too? You know. That third option. It's kind of important I know that!
MUSIC: INSTRUMENTAL DRAWS TO A CLOSE.
SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.
SCENE 8: TV STUDIO - NIGHT
SFX: EXTRA COMPRESSED SOUND ENDS SIGNAL END OF CLIP.
DANNY
Wow! So much action -- it's hard to believe it's not 3D! Or 4-wheel drive!
And don't forget that a week later you can ride or die over to see "Inside Out 2" -- opening on June 14th. I think this one was originally going to be called "Inside Out Inside Out," but Pixar realized that would actually make it "Outside Out and Inside In".
Check out this emotionally made up clip.
SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.
SCENE 9: CLIP FROM "INSIDE OUT 2"
SFX: EXTRA COMPRESSED SOUND TO SIGNAL THIS IS A CLIP.
SFX: A CONSTANT ELECTRICALLY-DRIVEN SOUND PERMEATES THE SCENE.
SFX: OCCASIONALLY, A BALL ROLLING ALONG A SURFACE PANS ACROSS THE AUDIO.
HAPPY EMOTION
We need to decide which emotion is in charge in this situation. Is it me, Happy? Or is it one of you? I'm puzzled.
PUZZLED EMOTION
No. I'm Puzzled. I think. Or...Oh, this is sad.
SAD EMOTION
What?
(sighs)
Oh. You didn't mean me. I'm not surprised.
SURPRISED EMOTION
(startled)
Ah! Who said that? Don't scare me like that!
HAPPY EMOTION
Come one, everyone. Focus
FOCUS EMOTION
(intensely)
I'm doing the best I can!!!
SFX: BACKGROUND ATMOSPHERE ENDS.
SFX: TRANSITION WOOSH.
SCENE 10: TV STUDIO - NIGHT
SFX: EXTRA COMPRESSED SOUND ENDS SIGNAL END OF CLIP.
BUZZ
(too himself)
And send.
(pause)
Zero percent battery? Shutting down???
(signs, then, to HILLCREST)
Hillcrest, I need to recharge my phone before I can retype that scathing text about you. Are you about done?
DANNY
Do you mean am I done with...
MUSIC: DANNY'S HOLLYWOOD THEME IN AND UNDER.
ANNOUNCER
Danny Hillcrest's Sizzling Summer Summer 2024 Movie Previews Review!
MUSIC: MUSIC UP AND OUT.
ANNOUNCER (cont'd)
Sponsored by Smellz-a-Lot Hand Soap. It's not just for hands. It's for wrists, too!
BUZZ
(gritting his teeth)
Yes. That.
DANNY
I sure am! For now. Because there's still the remainingly whole rest of the Summer to preview review. But, I can do that the next time I come back.
BUZZ
I can hardly wait. But for now, ladies and gentlemen, and all the streamers at see, this is Buzz "Scoop" Crackerjack Thomas, ace investigative reporter for the Middling Fair Courier Times Roman Bold Italic, signing off. And in the immortal words of Edward R. Morrow, "Get Hillcrest out of my studio!"
DANNY
Well, whoever he is, all I can say is --He knows me? I love it!
OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO
MUSIC: "AFTER THE EPISODE" THEME IN AND UNDER.
CLINTON
Hey there! Clinton here again. Welcome to, or welcome back to the after the episode section of the show. Where you and I get to talk about...things.
This time around, I'm excited to say that, after talking about it in the last episode, we have our first new item on the Virtual Table of Random Things.
Listener TVKirby wrote in to tell us what he's dropping off. It was a bit long of a note, so I've
edited it a little. The note says...
"I was goin' back to the hotel...after WestFest '08 at Disneyland [when...]
I noticed somethin' odd in the bushes.
There, half buried in the soil, were two "G's". They looked completely unused...
I brushed the dirt off of them and took them back to the hotel...
Once at home, I was havin' problems finding wall space for hangin' them, so when I heard about your Table of Random Stuff, I knew that was just the place for puttin' them...
So here you go. Looks like I picked up the two "G's"...the Imagineers dropped [when then named rides at]...Disney's California Adventure.
One looks to be from [the old California] Screamin' [ride and], the other [is] from Soarin'. Have fun with them.
TVKirby
p.s. Watch out when handlin' those. They might be cursed!. My boss has been complainin' about my documentation ever since I got back. My writin' is lackin' somethin', but I can't figure out what is missin'."
Thank you, TVKirby. I'll be very carefully when placin' them on the table. Uh oh.
Now, do you have something you want to put on, or take off the Virtual Table of Random Things? Great! Call the Super Secret Phone Line at (213) 290-4451-- if your dialing internationally, that's in the united states, or send an email to comedy4cast (all one word, with the number 4) at gmail.com. But be sure to put "Virtual Table" in the subject line. Very important. Very, very important.
MUSIC: "AFTER THE EPISODE" UP AND OUT.
MUSIC: ENDING THEME MUSIC IN AND UNDER.
CLINTON (cont'd)
In this episode, as the Mad Max woman, the Happy emotion and the Surprised emotion, Bonnie Kenderdine. Additional voices, as well as story and music -- not AI generated. Not that there's anything wrong with that -- by me, Clinton Alvord. Copyright 2024. All rights reserved.
Thanks for listening, and for the support. Oh, and if you ever feel like rating comedy4cast on apple podcasts or where you get the show, please do. It helps people find us in the ever-flowing river of audio.
But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.
-- THE END --