comedy4cast #789
HaartteStoppers: The Case Of The Dog Gone Murder
Written by
Clinton Alvord
CAST
(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)
ID ANNOUNCER...................COMPUTER
CLINTON
POPS
JACK RUSSELL..................CLINTON ALVORD
PATTI GREE.....................BONNIE KENDERDINE
GENERATED BACKGROUND CAST......A.I.
INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO
MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING
ID ANNOUNCER
The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.
MUSIC: ID MUSIC UP AND OUT.
CLINTON
Oh, hi! Clinton here.
MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME IN AND UNDER.
CLINTON (cont'd)
And welcome to my show! comedy4cast. Brought to you by our amazing Patreon patrons. Thank you. To become a patron and help me do what I do here, plus get episodes before everyone else, go to patreon.com/comedy4cast (that's all one word, with the number 4).
But, right now, it's time for you to match wits with Detective Haartte.
(in a semi-whisper)
Don't worry. You've got this.
Enjoy the show. And I'll be back a bit later.
MUSIC: OPENING CREDITS THEME UP AND OUT.
SCENE 1: DETECTIVE HAARTTE'S OFFICE/APARTMENT - NIGHT
MUSIC: "HAARTTESTOPPERS" THEME IN AND UNDER.
SFX: WHEN HAARTTE IS INDICATED AS (VO), THERE IS AN ECHO ADDED TO HIS VOICE.
HAARTTE (VO)
Oh, it's you. Back for another lesson in the fine art of becoming a private eye, I see. Smart choice. Because you have a lot to learn about being a detective. I know because people still say the same thing to me. Who am I? The name's Haartte, Detective Haartte. Two A's, two T's. Spell it right, say it right. And this is HaartteStoppers, and a little incident I like to call "The Case of the Dog Gone Murder." Are you ready?
(pause)
I can't hear you.
(pause)
No. I really can't hear you. This was recorded before you listened to it. Use your head!
MUSIC: "HAARTTESTOPPERS" THEME UP AND OUT.
SCENE 2: THEATER LOBBY - NIGHT
The theater lobby is hopping. People are chatting, drinks and snacks are being consumed. The audience seems to be enjoying the intermission a bit more than usual.
SFX: GENERAL CHATTER AND THE OCCASSIONAL LAUGH, INTERMIXED WITH THE CLINK OF DRINKING GLASSES.
HAARTTE (VO)
It was a Saturday night. I was in the lobby of the Middling Fair Performing Arts Center and Periodic Table and Chairs Showroom. Not my usual cup of Joe for sure, but the ticket was free. Sheena Perryman, the young woman who lives across the hall from my office/apartment/don't tell anyone I'm also using my office as my apartment couldn't make it to the show, so she gave me her ticket.
At first I thought it was a kind gesture. But then the curtain went up on act one of "Dogs, The Musical".
SFX: DOGS BARKING.
HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)
This canine all-beef turkey is based on that painting of dogs playing poker.
GENERATED AUDIENCE FEMALE 1
It's like being stuck in a kennel.
HAARTTE (VO)
I know what you're thinking. "Hey, Haartte, that premise sounds pretty thin."
GENERATED AUDIENCE FEMALE 2
This ain't no Puppy Bowl!
HAARTTE (VO)
Sure. But, trust me, music makes it ten times worse.
I was enjoying a stiff drink as my reward for making it through act one...
GENERATED AUDIENCE MALE 1
Did we need that fire hydrant scene?
HAARTTE (VO)
When, suddenly, my sleuthing skills sixth sense told me that something was up -- besides the price of a souvenir t-shirt. Forty-nine bucks?! I decided to investigate. Heck, anything was better than going back to my seat for act two.
GENERATED AUDIENCE MALE 2
Is there time for another drink?
HAARTTE (VO)
No. Really. It's a terrible show.
MUSIC: TRANSITION STING.
SCENE 3: BACKSTAGE HALLWAY - NIGHT
The normal shuffling of feet, mumbled conversation and tuning of instruments as a cast and crew prepare for act two.
SFX: SHUFFLING FEET.
SFX: MUMBLED CONVERSATION, INTERMIXED WITH OCCASIONAL GENERATED VOICE BACKGROUND DIALOGUE LISTED BELOW.
GENERATED ACTRESS 1
This isn't my collar!
GENERATED ACTOR 1
Can someone please find my front paws?
SFX: ORCHESTRA MEMBERS TUNING THEIR VIOLINS, HORNS AND OTHER INSTRUMENTS.
HAARTTE (VO)
I made it behind the curtain. That's when I ran into Pops, the stage door keeper.
POPS is the veteran stage door keeper, well past retirement age.
POPS
Hold on there. Where do you think you're going? The audience ain't allowed back here.
HAARTTE
Oh, sure. But you're more than happy to let them sit out front and watch this show! Aren't you, "Pops"? Besides...
GREE
(screaming)
Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!
MUSIC: DRAMATIC MUSIC STING.
POPS
Oh! That's sound like the stage manager, Patty Gree!
SCENE 4: DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT
SFX: SLIGHT MURMER OF SHOCK FROM THE CAST AND CREW, INTERMIXED DIALOGUE LISTED BELOW.
GENERATED ACTRESS 1
I can't believe it.
GENERATED ACTOR 1
Shocking!
GENERATED ACTRESS 2
How horrible!
HAARTTE (VO)
Pops and I rushed off in the direction of the scream. Well, I rushed, Pops waddled over like a penguin looking for a bathroom. The scream had come from one of the dressing rooms. Someone was kneeling over a body on the floor.
SFX: WADDLING FEET APPROACH.
POPS
(a little out of breath)
What's the matter, Ms. Gree?
PATTY GREE is the show's Stage Manager. She's normally very composed and able to handle anything the show throws at her, but this is outside of her experience and she is struggling to keep it together.
GREE
It's Duke Basset, Pops! I think he's dead.
SFX: SHOCKED REACTION FROM THE CAST.
GREE (cont'd)
Call the police!
POPS
You got it!
SFX: WADDLING FEET FADE OFF.
HAARTTE
And make sure no one leaves the building.
GREE
(to HAARTTE)
Who the heck are you?
HAARTTE
The name's Haartte. Detective Haartte. Two A's, two T's. Spell it right, say it right.
GREE
(believing HAARTTE is here to take on this burden)
A detective? Oh. Thank goodness. There's been a...a...
HAARTTE
A murder?
GREE
(breaking down)
Yes!
GREE begins to cry.
HAARTTE (VO)
(as GREE continues to cry)
As a detective, you have to develop your empathy and have ways to comfort people in situations like this.
Pause, as GREE continues to cry.
HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)
And it's definitely on my list of things to do. Maybe I should move it up a few spots.
JACK RUSSELL is an actor who has been around the block so many times he has worn a path in the sidewalk. Once upon a time he was a star. Now he's perpetually stuck in the touring company of "Dogs." He seems to love being overly dramatic. Or maybe that's just who he has become.
RUSSELL
(voice muffled a bit)
Perhaps I can help, Detective.
HAARTTE
No thanks, Fido.
RUSSELL
I beg your pardon!
HAARTTE
Isn't that your name? It what it says on your dog tag, right there below your big fat head.
RUSSELL
Ah. The costume.
SFX: RUSTLE OF HEADGEAR BEING REMOVED, ENDING WITH A DISTINCTIVE POP, AS THE SEAL BREAKS.
RUSSELL (cont'd)
I am Jack Russell, star of this production. And this is...was Duke Basset, a member of our ensemble.
HAARTTE
The sign on this door says this is your dressing room. Where were you when all this happened?
RUSSELL
What are you insinuating?
GREE
(finally pulling herself together)
Mr. Russell was with me, Detective Haartte, by the stage curtain. That's when some of the cast found poor Duke.
SFX: IN THE DISTANCE, WE CAN HEAR THAT THE AUDIENCE IS STARTING TO DEMAND THAT THE PERFORMANCE BEGIN.
SFX: WADDLING FEET APPROACH.
POPS
The police are on their way, Miss Gree. But that audience sounds kinda restless.
RUSSELL
We certainly don't want a repeat of Dayton.
GREE
You're right, Jack. Detective, do you think we can continue the show?
HAARTTE
I wish you'd asked me that before you started act one. But sure. As long as everyone stays inside the theater. And I don't have to be in the audience. Uh, because I have to investigate this murder.
GREE
All right, everyone, on with the show!
SFX: A QUICK FLURRY OF ACTIVITY WITH SHUFFLING FEET AND MURMURED VOICES, INTERMIXED WITH THE DIALOGUE LISTED BELOW.
GENERATED ACTOR 1
Why is his dressing room so big?
GENERATED ACTRESS 1
It matches his head.
HAARTTE
Aren't you forgetting something? You're down by one dog.
POPS
Duke didn't have no lines.
GREE
He joined the show a few weeks ago as a background mutt.
POPS
Yeah. He wanted to be an actor in the worst way.
HAARTTE
If he was in this show, mission accomplished.
RUSSELL
Right now, the play is the thing.
RUSSELL gives a grunt as he lifts the giant dog head and puts it on.
SFX: RUSTLE OF MATERIAL AS RUSSELL PUTS HIS DOG HEAD BACK ON.
RUSSELL (cont'd)
(muffled, exiting)
I will return shortly!
SFX: DOOR CLOSES, MUFFLING NOISES FROM THEATER.
HAARTTE
Don't tell me the second act is shorter than the first!
GREE
No, Detective. Act two begins with the death of Fido. It's Jack's big number.
GREE continues to speak in the background, in unintelligible dialogue, while HAARTTE does a recap.
HAARTTE (VO)
Russell was in the original Broadway cast of "Dogs" back in the 90's and had been playing the role of Fido ever since. Even that horrible movie version. His character kicks off act two, literally. Fido chases a poker chip over a cliff.
GREE's voice rises back up.
GREE
That's when he sings the big showstopping number "All Dogs Go To New Haven."
POPS
He gets harnessed up and I fly him out over the audience and then they pull him up into the rafters. Reminds me. I'd better get ready myself!
SFX: WADDLING FEET.
SFX: DOOR OPENS.
MUSIC: FIRST DRAMATIC NOTES OF ACT TWO HEARD.
SFX: DOOR CLOSES, MUSIC MUFFLED.
HAARTTE
But I had a real dead dog on my hands -- Duke Basset. He'd been struck on the back of the head with some sort of big, heavy object. I decided to take a look around the dressing room.
MUSIC: STACCATO STRINGS AS HAARTTE POKES AROUND THE ROOM.
SFX: RIFLING THROUGH OBJECTS ON THE TABLE.
HAARTTE
Makeup.
SFX: SHIFTING CLOTHING ON A RACK.
HAARTTE (cont'd)
Clothes. Pile of glossy, pre-autographed head shots.
SFX: GLOSSY PHOTO BEING PICKED UP.
HAARTTE (cont'd)
(reading autograph)
"No, I am not a furry, Jack Russell"
SFX: PHOTO PLACED BACK DOWN.
HAARTTE (cont'd)
Nothing in the room could have done in Duke Basset! But how could the killer get the murder weapon out of the room? I had to think fast. The police would be here any minute and I needed to solve this crime before they got the collar.
GREE
(unsure)
Detective...
MUSIC: COMES TO A QUICK HALT.
GREE (cont'd)
You do know that I can hear you?
HAARTTE
Sorry. I forgot to switch back to my signature voice-over mode.
SFX: DOOR SWINGS OPEN.
SFX: BOOING AUDIENCE HEARD IN DISTANCE, WITH OCCASIONAL GENERATED VOICE BACKGROUND DIALOGUE LISTED BELOW.
GENERATED AUDIENCE MALE 1
Go back to the pound!
GENERATED AUDIENCE FEMALE 1
Bad dog! Bad dog!
HAARTTE
Just then Jack...dammit!
HAARTTE (VO)
Just then, Jack Russell stormed back into the dressing room.
SFX: WADDLING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH TO INDICATING POPS HAS ALSO RETURNED.
RUSSELL
(voice muffled a bit)
That is it! I have had it with these simpleton audiences!
SFX: DOOR SLAMS SHUT. MUFFLED AUDIENCE SOUND FADE AWAY.
RUSSELL (cont'd)
They have no imagination.
SFX: RUSTLE OF HEADGEAR BEING REMOVED, ENDING WITH A DISTINCTIVE POP, AS THE SEAL BREAKS.
GREE
What's wrong, Jack?
RUSSELL
Do you know how many times I've done that idiotic song? Don't even take a guess. I will tell you. Four thousand, three hundred and twelve times. So, tonight I finally decided to "mix things up" and not fly over the audience.
GREE
What?!? Why?
RUSSELL
Clearly I was upset about what happened to Duke-what's-his-name.
GREE
(worried)
What did you do, Jack?
RUSSELL
I slowly, yet dramatically, stroll off stage, shaking my head. My giant dog head. And do you know what they did? They booed me. Me! Jack Russell.
HAARTTE (VO)
Stop right there!
GREE
Stroll? Jack -- your character is supposed to be dead!
POPS
Heehee. He looked like a giant bobble head out there, just bob, bob, bobbing along.
HAARTTE (VO)
I said "stop."
GREE
Why tonight, Jack?! I'm here dealing with a murder and you're out there doing improv?
HAARTTE (VO)
Didn't you hear me? I said...Oh. Dammit!
HAARTTE
Stop right there!
RUSSELL
I beg your pardon! Who do you think you're...
HAARTTE
(interrupting)
Heel, Fido! I just solved this case!
MUSIC: TRANSITION STING.
SCENE 5: DETECTIVE HAARTTE'S OFFICE/APARTMENT.
HAARTTE (VO)
But -- did you? The clues are all there, you just have to put them in order - maybe alphabetically, maybe by height. That's up to you. If you're still not sure, I'll give you six seconds to figure it out.
SFX: SIX TICKS OF A CLOCK.
HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)
Time's up!
SFX: SOUND OF CELL DOOR CLOSING.
HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)
The murderer was clearly Pops.
MUSIC: "HAARTTE'S THEME" IN AND UNDER.
HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)
I mean, who names their kid "Pops"? He'd probably been carrying around that shame around for years. And watching that canine catastrophe of a musical, night after night, must have sent him over the edge. Poor, guy. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him most. Oh, and the dead guy, too. I hear he was a good boy.
(pause)
I still need to work on that empathy thing.
Naturally, the police had a different theory. They said that Jack Russell killed Duke Basset. Apparently Russell though Basset was brought in to take over his part in the show, so Russel used his Tony Award to kill Basset. Seems Russell brought his Tony with him everywhere he went. Must have made for some awkward late-nigh rendezvous. Then the police claim Russell hid the award in the big head of his costume. Which is why he refused to get into to the flying harness. He knew Pops couldn't lift him with all that extra weight.
Pfft. Dream on. Pops clearly had the strength of 10 ordinary men.
MUSIC: QUICK FADE OUT.
HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)
At some point in his life. I'm guessing the roaring twenties?
MUSIC: "HAARTTEESTOPERS" MUSIC IN AND UNDER.
HAARTTE (VO) (cont'd)
So. How'd you do. Did you come to my brilliant conclusion?
No? Don't worry. There's always next time. Because I have a thousand cases that you can try to solve. Trust me. I'm trying to solve them, too. Until then, remember those famous words of the great Sherlock Holmes -- "Does this hat make me look like a boss?"
MUSIC: 'HAARTTESTOPPERS' THEME UP AND OUT.
OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO
MUSIC: END THEME IN AND UNDER.
CLINTON
In this episode, as Patty Gree, Bonnie Kenderdine.
Additional voices, as well as story and music by me, Clinton Alvord. Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.
Next time, I's something brand new -- with a big dash of nostalgia. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done.
MUSIC: UP AND OUT.
-- THE END --