comedy4cast #787

BIG SHOT

Chapter 19: Now You're Projecting

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER..................COMPUTER

CLINTON.......................CLINTON ALVORD

CAP/HONCH

GILES/GERALD

DETECTIVE HAARTTE/BART

LENNY TREETOP

GENERAL KALAMITY

DANNY HILLCREST

NARRATOR/FILM NARRATOR........GARY J. CHAMBERS

PERRY J. OSHMONT..............GRANT JOHNSON

CHARLES.......................JOHN BELL

SUZANNE.......................MADISON HATFIELD

MAÎTRE D'.....................NATHAN ALVORD

CINDY/CONNIE

ABBY/SALLY.................BONNIE KENDERDINE

SOLDIER.......................KREG STEPPE

INTRO 19-1: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: CHIRP AS ID BACKGROUND ENDS.

MUSIC: "SHELTER FROM THE STORM" INSTRUMENTAL IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

This is the 2023 comedy4cast Podcast Spectacular, brought to you by the fantastic Patreon patrons. Thank you!

Why not join Paul, Kyle, Kalynn, and the other amazing individuals who support the show for as little as a dollar a month.

This year's original 20-chapter story is called "Big Shot". To hear it from the beginning, go to comedy4cast.com/2023. And remember, comedy4cast is all one word, with the number 4. Now, here's Chapter 19: Now You're Projecting.

MUSIC: "SHELTER FROM THE STORM" UP AND PLAYS TO END.

MUSIC: "BIG SHOT" THEME (SHORT VERSION) IN AND PLAYS TO END.

NARRATOR

Previously in our story, practically everyone in Middling Fair and Grassssssside Greene had arrived at the Cine-Round-a-Dome underground drive-in theater for the special world premiere of a film written by Danny Hillcrest.

That was a sentence I never thought I would utter!

The producer of the film, Perry J. Oshmont, was off making another movie, but told Danny that he had recorded a special message to be shown right before the movie.

SCENE 19-2: INT. BUS - NIGHT

NARRATOR

As this chapter begins, the signal has just been sent to start the movie. All around the Cine-Round-a-Dome the ambient light dims.

DANNY

Oh. I hope they playingly show that candy rock band feature presentation trailer snipe. I love it!

MUSIC: INSTRUMENTAL PIECE, SIMILAR TO ONE USED BY THE THEATER CHAIN GENERAL CINEMA IN A 1990'S SNIPE.

SFX: A LARGE NUMBER OF CAR HORNS HONK AS A WAY OF APPLAUDING.

NOTE: Within OSHMONT'S speech, in-line directions, such as "Hold for reaction" are meant to be spoken

OSHMONT

Are we rolling? "All is spoken with upbeat sinerity." Hello, I'm Perry J. Oshmont, producer of tonight's feature. "Hold for applause." This movie is dedicated to you, the good people of Middling Fair. "Hold for reaction."

SFX: SOME WHOOPS CAN BE HEARD, ALONG WITH SOME CAR HORNS.

OSHMONT (cont'd)

And also to everyone in Grassssssside Greene. "Hold for reaction."

(pause)

SFX: A LARGER GROUP OF PEOPLE RESPOND WITH WHOOPS AND HOLLERS, ALONG WITH A LARGE NUMBER OF CAR HORNS.

OSHMONT (cont'd)

My Uber driver got a little lost on the way to the airport and I was able to spend a few hair-raising hours in your special parcel of Hades.

My experiences in both your towns, a whole seven days ago, helped shape this very, very personal film. Well, that and a lot of notes from Matilda Kline-Miller, the Senior Vice President of Original Programming for the new LOW Channel - now with more of everything!

As a bonus, through the use of cutting-edge A.I. audio cloning technology, we were able to put the voices of some of the people here tonight into the film. A genuine stroke of luck, especially when we got more notes on the dialogue last night from the new LOW Channel and had to replace every last word uttered in the film.

But enough of me. It is with great pleasure that I present to you what is still, probably, the story of a love-smitten Tree Surgeon and the empowered female logger who changed his life forever, "I Stanned Her Sawing There," written by Chasm Valley's own Danny Hillcrest!"

SFX: A LARGE NUMBER OF CAR HORNS HONK AND WHOOPS AND HOLLERS RISE UP IN APPROVAL.

NARRATOR

As Oshmont's image disappears from the screen, we see a title card appear: "Perry J. Oshmont Presents"...

A new card appears."A NEW LOW Channel production"...

A new title card. "I Stanned Her Sawing There."

After a beat. The title card fades.

SCENE 19-3: EXT. ENTRANCE TO CHASM VALLEY FOREST - NIGHT

SFX: ALL THE DIALOGUE WITHIN THE FILM HAS A SLIGHT REDUCTION IN QUALITY, TO HELP DISTINGUISH IT FROM THE LIVE ACTION ENVIRONMENT.

MUSIC: VERY LOW-KEY, DRAMATIC MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

NARRATOR

The film opens with an atmospheric night shot. We see a sign attached to an imposing-looking chain link fence. The sign reads "Chasm Valley Forest: No Trespassing."

Slowly, the camera moves up, bringing into focus a barren rolling landscape lit only by moonlight. In the distance, atop the tallest hill, we see a single oak tree.

Through a series of nearly motionless shots that dissolve one to the next, we inch our way closer to that lone tree.

At last we can make out two figures standing at the base of the tree.

SCENE 19-4: EXT. CENTER OF CHASM VALLEY FOREST - NIGHT

NARRATOR

We are close enough to hear what they are saying.

CHARLES is stoic, a one-note Dudley Doright type.

CHARLES

Suzanne, if you've ever loved me, you won't do this!

SUZANNE has a bit more range, wearing every emotion like a bright, neon yellow hat.

SUZANNE

You may have won my heart, Charles, but I still have mouths to feed. And those cats can get vicious when they're hungry. Especially the tabby.

CHARLES

You don't understand! The roots of this last tree are now the only thing that's keeping one whole side of this valley together.

SUZANNE

I'm sorry, Charles. But I have to do it. Miss Fussy Paws has that look in her eye. Besides, Grassssssside Greene should be used to disasters by now.

CHARLES

But!...

SFX: AXE CHOPS INTO WOOD.

SUZANNE

Timber!

SFX: TREE FALLS.

SCENE 19-5: NEWSREEL FOOTAGE

NARRATOR

The scene fades, and an old-style newsreel begins.

The FILM NARRATOR has the over-the-top sensationalist style so typical of movie theater newsreels. Every word is used as either a knife or sharpening stone.

FILM NARRATOR

News -- of the Valley!

MUSIC: CLASSIC NEWSREEL FANFARE THEME PLAYS.

MUSIC: MORE RELAXED TONE TO MUSIC.

FILM NARRATOR (cont'd)

Middling Fair. Peaceful. Serene. Some would even say bland. Middling Fair. Home to a thousand dreams and a few nasty nightmares undoubtedly caused by late-night snacking. It was here that the rest of the world came to forget their cares. And sometimes their car keys.

MUSIC: THE INSTRUMENTAL PIECE TAKES A DARKER TURN.

FILM NARRATOR (cont'd)

But this paradise's days were numbered. And it all began with -- a simple toothpick. These pint-sized spears had become all the rage in Middling Fair. Thousand of petite pointies, used and discarded, on a daily basis. It was a craze that could be traced back to the town's luxury eatery without lighting, "Le restaurant Sans Lampes."

MUSIC: OUT.

SCENE 19-6: INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

MUSIC: QUINTESENTIAL FRENCH TRIO (ACCORDIAN, STANDUP BASS AND DRUMS) PLAYS A GENERIC TUNE THAT INSTANTLY SCREAMS "THIS IS A VERY FRENCH RESTAURANT!"

SFX: FAINT SOUND OF CONVERSATION, SILVERWARE TAPPING ON DISHES.

This is CHARLES and SUZANNE'S first date. The conversation starts off with a very playful tone. But that will change soon enough.

CHARLES

I'm so glad you decided to join me for dinner, Suzanne. And what a perfect choice. We don't have fancy places like this in Grassssssside Greene.

SUZANNE

It was hard to resist your offer, Charles. You're very persistent. You know -- borderline creepy, but not. I was impressed. That's a fine line to walk.

CHARLES

Us tree surgeons are known for our particular set of skills.

SUZANNE

"Oh?", says the logger. "Do tell."

MAÎTRE D'

(very pleasant)

Pardon the interruption of your verbal foreplay, but here are your hors d'oeuvres. And, of course, a complimentary toothpick for each of you.

SFX: MAGICAL TWINKLE.

CHARLES

You're still handing these out? Damn it, François, don't you realize you've sparked a toothpick craze here in Middling Fair? Suddenly everyone wants toothpicks, toothpicks, toothpicks! Toothpicks with breakfast, toothpicks with lunch. And, yes, even toothpicks with dinner!

MAÎTRE D'

What about snacks?

CHARLES

(trying to contain himself)

François.

MAÎTRE D'

Besides - how is this a bad thing?

SUZANNE

(offended by CHARLES'S accusation)

That's what I want to know. Look, cutting down trees so people can buy tiny wood splinters to jab between their teeth puts bread on my table.

MAÎTRE D'

Je suis désolé, but we do not offer the "unlimited baguettes."

CHARLES

The Middling Fair forest is dying and toothpicks are the cause.

SFX: CHAIR SLIDES OUT FROM UNDER TABLE.

CHARLES (cont'd)

I think our meal here is done.

SUZANNE

And so, it seems...

SFX: ANOTHER CHAIR SLIDES.

SUZANNE (cont'd)

is our relationship!

MUSIC: OMINOUS IN NATURE.

FILM NARRATOR

The warnings of dire consequences from noted pain-in-the-butt tree surgeon Dr. Charles Greenwood, went unheeded. More and more trees were felled, in a futile attempt to keep up with ever-increasing public demand. Soon, the forest began to disappear. In the search for more wood, no stone was left untoined...

SFX: BUZZER

FILM NARRATOR (cont'd)

Turned. No tunnel left unexplored.

SCENE 19-7: INT. TUNNELS - DAY

SFX: DRIPPING WATER AND THE OCCASIONAL BAT CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. BOTH THE ATMOSPHERE AND THE DIALOGUE HAS AN ECHO APPLIED TO INDICATE THE SIZE OF THIS UNDERGROUND SPACE.

CINDY/CONNIE

You want to chop out the tree roots that are in the ceiling of this cave?

SUZANNE

Yup. That's prime toothpick stock right there. I'm willing to pay you top dollar.

CINDY/CONNIE

I'll be rich? Thank goodness I let media genius Andy Milltest put that picture of the caves on social media.

SUZANNE

The one labeled "Our roots are showing?"

CINDY/CONNIE

That's the one!

SUZANNE and CINDY/CONNIE share a laugh.

CHARLES

Wait! Don't do it! These roots are important! They're like the tongues of the tree.

CINDY/CONNIE

Ewww. Now I want them out of here more than ever! Yuk!

SUZANNE

Too bad, "Dr. Downer!" Now, if you will excuse me, as my dentist always says, I have roots to remove.

SFX: AXE CHOPPING INTO WOOD.

MUSIC: ANOTHER BIT OF OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS BEHIND THE FILM NARRATOR. THIS TIME, THE MELODY IS ACCENTED BY PIZZICATO STRINGS THAT IMPLY THE POINTY ENDS OF TOOTHPICKS.

FILM NARRATOR

Every bit of wood was quickly shredded, sharpened and sent to market to put more toothpicks on the table.

Dejected he couldn't even convince his acquaintance and would-be lover, logger Suzanne Pine, that danger lay ahead, tree surgeon Greenwood fell back on his old addiction to vending machines.

SCENE 19-8: INT. VENDING MACHINE PARLOR - AFTERNOON

SFX: VENDING MACHINES AND GENERAL CHATTER IN THE BACKGROUND.

SFX: COIN INTO SLOT, FOLLOWED BY DISPENSING OF PRODUCT.

CAP/HONCH

I never thought I'd see you back in here again.

GILES/GERALD

Yeah, doc. I thought you swore off the slots.

CHARLES

I did. But...

SFX: COIN INTO SLOT, FOLLOWED BY DISPENSING OF PRODUCT.

CHARLES (cont'd)

Women. Am I right?

GILES/GERALD

Tell me about it.

ABBY/SALLY

What was that, Gerald?

GILES/GERALD

Oh, nothing.

SFX: COIN INTO SLOT, FOLLOWED BY DISPENSING OF PRODUCT.

CAP/HONCH

So, you two crazy kids are having having a spat.

CHARLES

Yeah.

SFX: COIN INTO SLOT, FOLLOWED BY DISPENSING OF PRODUCT.

CHARLES (cont'd)

She's a logger who's doing what she has to do, and I'm a tree surgeon who loves her but must stop her in order to save the town.

CAP/HONCH

Classic log line.

GILES/GERALD

I'm sure you two can work it out if you try.

ABBY/SALLY

But you can't do it just standing here. All this place'll do is give you a case of the vends.

CHARLES

You're right.

SFX: FIST, HOLDING COINS, POUNDS ON TABLE.

SFX: PILES OF JUNK FOOD BEING GATHERED UP.

CHARLES (cont'd)

Thanks, everyone!

GILES/GERALD

Do you want a bag for all of that?

CAP/HONCH

How about a toothpick?

SFX: MAGICAL TWINKLE.

SCENE 19-9: EXT. ENTRANCE TO CHASM VALLEY FOREST - NIGHT

MUSIC: YOU GUESSED IT, MORE OMINOUS MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

FILM NARRATOR

But the best of intentions would not be enough to save this earthly Arcadia. Logger Pine had already reached the security fence protecting Middling Fair's last remaining tree, accompanied by Professor Bart, known anonymous shadowy figure dealing in replica trees.

MUSIC: FADES OUT.

SFX: STRONG WIND BLOWING ACROSS THE BARREN LANDSCAPE.

HAARTTE/BART

All right, sister. I'm here. And I brought my delivery van full of fake trees with me. What's up?

SUZANNE

I have to chop down that tree out there. Do you have one that looks like it?

HAARTTE/BART

Sure thing.

SUZANNE

Good. After I chop down the tree, I'm going to replace it with your replica. Wait here.

HAARTTE/BART

No problem. You're the boss of this situation.

SFX: RAPID FOOTSTEPS ON GRASS AS SUZANNE RUNS OFF.

SFX: RAPID FOOTSTEPS ON GRASS AS CHARLES RUNS ON.

CHARLES

(Out of breath.)

Is that your truck over there?

HAARTTE/BART

"Bart, the Repro Tree Pro Guy"? Yeah, that's me.

CHARLES

Lucky me! Do you have a tree that looks like that one out there?

HAARTTE/BART

Yeah, I do. But I should have brought more. They seem to be very popular all of a sudden.

CHARLES

I'm going to transplant that one out there over to Grassssssside Greene and replace it with your replica. Wait here.

HAARTTE/BART

No problem. You're the second boss, boss.

SCENE 19-10: EXT. CENTER OF CHASM VALLEY FOREST - NIGHT

Scene plays as before, but now with more context.

SFX: WIND IS NOW EVEN STRONGER.

SFX: AXE CHOPS INTO WOOD.

SUZANNE lets out a sigh. She has been crying.

SFX: HURRIED FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.

(cont'd)

CHARLES

(slightly out of breath)

Suzanne, if you've ever loved me, you won't do this!

SUZANNE

You may have won my heart, Charles, but I still have mouths to feed. And those cats can get vicious when they're hungry. Especially the tabby.

SFX: AXE CHOPS INTO WOOD.

CHARLES

You don't understand! The roots of this last tree are now the only thing that's keeping one whole side of this valley together.

SUZANNE

I'm sorry, Charles. But I have to do it. Miss Fussy Paws has that look in her eye. Besides, Grassssssside Greene should be used to disasters by now.

CHARLES

But!...

SFX: AXE CHOPS INTO WOOD.

SUZANNE

Timber!

SFX: TREE FALLS.

CHARLES

(Realizing it is too late, he yells out the ultimate truth)

The roots don't run under Grassssssside Greene, they're right here, under Middling Fair!

SFX: CRACKING OF WOOD, BOULDERS FALLING AND THE LOW RUMBLE OF AN EARTHQUAKE.

CHARLES (cont'd)

Run!

SFX: ALL NATURE OF EXPLOSIONS, DEBRIS, FIRE AND OTHER MAYHEM WHICH CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND AS THE FILM NARRATOR AND NARRATOR DESCRIBE THE SCENE.

FILM NARRATOR

The destruction was catastrophic. Buildings toppled, roadways collapsed, fruit carts burst into flames -- even the fabled Samothrace Arms Hotel, that once welcomed Presidents, Kings, Queens, and the occasional Shriner's convention, crumbled to the ground.

NARRATOR

What followed was nothing less than 30 minutes of total anarchy, stock footage of nuclear explosions, earthquakes, the sinking of the Titanic, a squirrel water skiing in a pool. It was all there. Mostly in color.

(pause to let effects wind down)

SFX: DESTRUCTION HAS FINALLY TRICKLED DOWN TO SOME MINOR IMPACTS.

NARRATOR (cont'd)

Then, as the devastation finally begins to wane.

FILM NARRATOR

In a montage of mayhem, Middling Fair vanished from the map.

Total cost: No one but the insurance companies can say.

SFX: FIRE AND FALLING DEBRIS.

SUZANNE

Oh, Charles! Middling Fair. It's gone!

CHARLES

Not as long as we remember it by rewatching this movie again and again. Now, come on. Let's go grab a meal in Grassssssside Greene.

MUSIC: SOMBER TONES CREEP IN.

SUZANNE

But Charles, we can't! The restaurants are all closed.

CHARLES

Why?

SUZANNE

It's Arbor Day.

MUSIC: UPLIFTING FINAL CHORD.

NARRATOR

The end.

SCENE 19-11: INT. BUS - NIGHT

Pause. In total silence.

NARRATOR

The silence was deafening.

LENNY

Basically, I don't think anyone liked it.

SFX: HORNS HONKING, WHOOPS, HOLLERS WHICH CONTINUE ON FOR SOME TIME.

KALAMITY

I knew it! It's a riot! Quick, soldier, to the KRAWLR!

SOLDIER

Yes, sir!

SFX: IM TONE.

CINDY

Like, hold on. Nomad 451 just sent an instant message. He says to check social media.

NARRATOR

Everyone, except Detective Haartte, pulls out their cell phone to see what is happening online.

HAARTTE

Technology. Who needs it?

NARRATOR

They're amazed by the things they are reading.

GILES

Is all of this correct?

CINDY

Like "What a great movie. At last, Grassssssside Greene is not the catastrophe in the canyon."

DANNY

"Someone just erased Middling Fair on film. Hashtag Justice for G Greene"

KALAMITY

Everyone from Grassssssside Greene loves this thing.

GILES

Because their town is the one left standing at the end.

SFX: GROWING SHOUTS OF "DANNY! DANNY!" CAN BE HEARD.

CINDY

(unable to comprehend the crowd's joy)

Like, I think Danny's a hero. At least to, like, Grassssssside Greene.

NARRATOR

Is Cindy correct? For that answer and more, be sure to come back for the final installment in this year's story --Chapter 20: Wiping The Slate Clean.

MUSIC: TRANSITION STING.

MUSIC: END CREDITS VERSION OF "BIG SHOT" THEME IN AND UNDER.

OUTRO 19-12: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

CLINTON

Like the show? To help support it, for as little as a dollar a month. go to Patreon.com slash comedy4cast -- all one word, with the number 4. As a way of saying thanks, you'll get episode before anyone else, plus behinds the scenes notes and exclusive content. Thank you!

In this episode, as Perry J. Oshmont, Grant Johnson (voicegranted.com); as Charles, John Bell, from the "Bell's in the Batfry" podcast (thebatfry.com); as Suzanne, Madison Hatfield; as the maître d', Nathan Alvord; as Cindy, Connie, and Sally, Bonnie Kenderdine; as the soldier Kreg Steppe from the Technorama Podcast (chuckchat.com/technorama) and The Topic is Trek podcast, (thetopicistrek.com). And the Narrator was played by Gary J. Chambers, GaryJChambersVO.com.

Additional voices, as well as story and music by Clinton Alvord. Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.

See you next time. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.

MUSIC: UP AND OUT.