comedy4cast #786
BIG SHOT
Chapter 18: The Road Wearier
Written by
Clinton Alvord
CAST
(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)
ID ANNOUNCER..................COMPUTER
CLINTON
BUZZ "SCOOP" CRACKERJACK THOMAS
GILES
CAP
DANNY HILLCREST
GENERAL KALAMITY
DRIVE-IN ANNOUNCER
YE OLDE BOOTH FANS
LENNY TREETOP..............CLINTON ALVORD
NARRATOR......................GARY J. CHAMBERS
PERRY J. OSHMONT..............GRANT JOHNSON
ABBY FALMACHER
CINDY......................BONNIE KENDERDINE
CROWD.........................CLINTON ALVORD
BONNIE KENDERDINE
INTRO 18-1: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO
MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING
ID ANNOUNCER
The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.
MUSIC: CHIRP AS ID BACKGROUND ENDS.
MUSIC: "SHELTER FROM THE STORM" INSTRUMENTAL IN AND UNDER.
CLINTON
This is the 2023 comedy4cast Podcast Spectacular, brought to you by the fantastic Patreon patrons. Thank you!
Why not join Steve, Bryn, Chuck, from the Technorama podcast, and the other amazing individuals who support the show for as little as a dollar a month.
This year's original 20-chapter story is called "Big Shot". To hear it from the beginning, go to comedy4cast.com/2023. And remember, comedy4cast is all one word, with the number 4. Now, here's Chapter 18: The Road Wearier.
MUSIC: "SHELTER FROM THE STORM" UP AND PLAYS TO END.
MUSIC: "BIG SHOT" THEME (SHORT VERSION) IN AND PLAYS TO END.
NARRATOR
Previously in our story, Producer Perry J. Oshmont brought the festivities in Middling Fair to a screeching halt with his announcement that Danny's script will not be filmed in Chasm Valley.
RECAP FLASHBACK BEGINS HERE...
SFX: RECAP FLASHBACK AUDIO SHOULD BE PROCESSED TO INDICATE IT IS NOT AN EVENT OCCURRING IN REAL TIME.
OSHMONT
You see, our neighbors to the north have that certain tax incentive old-time Americana feel this movie needs. I'm sorry.
SFX: CAR SPEEDS AWAY.
...RECAP FLASHBACK ENDS HERE.
NARRATOR
With that, Oshmont hopped into a ride-share vehicle, headed for the Middling Fair Airport.
SCENE 18-2: HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
NARRATOR
As this chapter begins, it's now evening, the end of a very long, very disappointing day in Middling Fair. In the lobby of the Venus Arms, Abby, Giles and Cap look on as Danny Hillcrest just stares at the TV in the lobby.
BUZZ (OVER TV SPEAKER)
This is Buzz "Scoop" Crackerjack Thomas, ace investigative field reporter for the Middling Fair Courier Times Roman Bold Italic. It was a complete embarrassment for young Danny Hillcrest as Hollywood producer Perry J. Oshmont yanked the proverbial rug out from under the whole town. Wow! That is one big rug! The glitzy mover and shaker stated filming would take place in Canada, and not Middling Fair. If there's any bright side to this story, it's that the LOW Channel, the people actually funding this film, is going through turmoil of its own as the fight for cable ratings continues. LOW's Senior VP of Creative Development, Sid Rawlston, says he has the utmost confidence in his plan to rejuvinate the aging channel. Wow! Do I yell a lot! In other local news, scientists are becoming increasingly convinced that the roots of climate change itself can be traced right back to Grassssssside Greene.
ABBY
Turn that off, Giles.
SFX: CLICK OF TV BEING SHUT OFF.
GILES
He's been moping around the hotel all day. Poor kid.
CAP
Poor? They gave him fifty thousand clams. There's bound to be a pearl in there somewhere. Or are those capybaras I'm thinking of.
ABBY
Cap, go back to sleep.
CAP
You got it!
CAP begins snoring.
GILES
How does he do that?
ABBY
(calling across the room, trying to cheer up DANNY)
Danny. I hear there's a new 5-hour long art house movie playing at the Cine-Round-a-Dome. You could do a social media post about it.
DANNY
Okay.
MUSIC "LONG-DISTANCE DIARY" BACKGROUND MUSIC IN AND UNDER. MUSIC IS CHEERFUL WHEN THE DIALOGUE IS HAPPY, AND SOUR WHEN THINGS GO WRONG.
SFX: TEXT TAPPING ON PHONE, WRITING A POST.
DANNY (cont'd)
(emotionless)
I love it. Blah blah blah. Send.
SFX: FRONT DESK PHONE RINGS.
SFX: RECEIVER PICKS UP.
GILES
Venus Arms Hotel and Towers, Middling Fair's finest accommodations, ask about our Peer Gynt suite. Giles speaking. How can I direct your call?
MOVIE SET - EVENING (CONTINUOUS)
SFX: HAMMERING, TRUCKS, AND OTHER GENERAL CONSTRUCTION NOISES IN STRONG, THEN QUICKLY FADE BACK FOR DIALOGUE.
OSHMONT
(over the sound of construction)
Hello? I can barely hear you. This is Perry J. Oshmont. Is Danny there.
GILES (OVER PHONE)
(excited)
He is! Hold on just a moment.
(away from the microphone)
Danny. Mr. Oshmont...
DANNY (OVER PHONE)
Don't mentionly say his name around me. I neverly ever ever want to talk about him again.
GILES (OVER PHONE)
(deadpan)
He's on the phone.
DANNY (OVER PHONE)
(suddenly all excited)
I love it!
SFX: FOOTSTEPS RACE ACROSS THE MARBLE FLOOR OF THE LOBBY.
DANNY (OVER PHONE) (cont'd)
(speaking into phone handset)
Hi! Danny Hillcrest here!
OSHMONT
Hello, Danny. I wanted to call in with a report on the first day on the production.
HOTEL LOBBY (CONTINUOUS)
OSHMONT (OVER PHONE)
Let's see. I got in a little late -- slight snafu on the way to the airport. But, after that I was able to scout a few locations for the Chasm Valley sets.
DANNY
Wow. That's --
MOVIE SET (CONTINUOUS)
OSHMONT (OVER PHONE)
(barely stopping)
Then I met with the production designer and approved the build. The sets are going up right now. It's going to look just like the real thing.
HOTEL LOBBY (CONTINUOUS)
DANNY
I can't wait to see what our town looks like! You sure did a lot --
OSHMONT (OVER PHONE)
(still barely stopping)
And we finally cast our leads. Great chemistry.
MOVIE SET (CONTINUOUS)
OSHMONT
Okay. I have to strategize with the director and the D.P. in five while the A.D. is out shooting some drone footage. Oh, and on the way up, I did another pass on the script.
DANNY (OVER PHONE)
(nervous)
Another pass at my script?
OSHMONT
(reassuring)
Oh, don't worry.
HOTEL LOBBY (CONTINUOUS)
OSHMONT (OVER PHONE)
It's just a bit of last-minute inspiration to add some great Chasm Valley atmosphere. The story is still your baby. Okay. Gotta run. Call you tomorrow.
SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.
SCENE 18-3: INT HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
NARRATOR
The next night...
OSHMONT (OVER PHONE)
Filming went great today! This cast is unbelievable. And the town?
("Mwah" sound)
Chef's kiss. I've already got our editor working on a rough cut of what we've been shooting.
DANNY
This is the most awesomely thing that has ever happened since they invented the word "awesome"! And I don't know what they did before that -- but I'm sure it was awesome! By the incidentally way, Miss Falmacher had a great idea.
MOVIE SET (CONTINUOUS)
DANNY (OVER PHONE)
Since the movie's about Middling Fair, maybe we could host the premiere at the Cine-Round-a-Dome!
OSHMONT
That's great synergy, Danny! Yes, let's do it!
DANNY (OVER PHONE)
By the way, is everything okay at the NOW Channel?
OSHMONT
Don't worry. I had a Zoom today with Octavio Kirstenstein, the Senior VP of Creative Development. It's all good.
HOTEL LOBBY (CONTINUOUS)
OSHMONT (OVER PHONE)
I have to go. I have a 2am with our composer in Poland. Ciao for now!
SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.
NARRATOR
The next night.
SCENE 18-4: INT. PRIVATE JET - NIGHT
SFX: LOW HUM OF HIGH-SPEED FLIGHT.
OSHMONT
Hey, Danny! I'm on a jet back to LA. We've wrapped with a few Bay-o's early this morning. I'm talking with the LOW marketing department in five. And the cast will be in the booth in a few hours to do their ADR.
DANNY (OVER PHONE)
I love Add-Rrrrr!
OSHMONT
How are things coming along for the premier?
HOTEL LOBBY (CONTINUOUS)
DANNY
We've invited everyone in Middling Fair!
OSHMONT (OVER PHONE)
Great.
DANNY
But, umm, I just saw a report that the NOW Channel wants to rebrand.
OSHMONT (OVER PHONE)
Marketing buzz. They go through that every year or so. Pay no attention. Okay. Gotta go.
JET (CONTINUOUS)
OSHMONT
I have a meeting with Angelica Rosalin, the Senior VP of Creative Development. She's seen the rough cut and has a few notes.
SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.
NARRATOR
The next night.
SCENE 18-5: INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT
OSHMONT (OVER PHONE)
Sorry to cut you off so quick yesterday, Danny.
EXT. MOVIE SET - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)
SFX: VARIOUS UNINTELLIGIBLE VOICES AND CONSTRUCTION SOUNDS ARE HEARD FAINTLY IN BACKGROUND.
OSHMONT
I'm back on location. Jie Yu, the Senior VP of Creative Development wanted a few new scenes added. What can I say? The LOW Channel has final cut.
DANNY (OVER PHONE)
Oh. That sounds painful!
OSHMONT
We're on target to have the film ready for your big premiere.
HOTEL LOBBY (CONTINUOUS)
DANNY
Everyone in town! But, in April, that's only about fifty.
OSHMONT (OVER PHONE)
Listen. I think it would be a good idea if you invited the folks from Grassssssside Greene, too.
DANNY
I love it!
OSHMONT (OVER PHONE)
Okay. Time to make the magic happen. See you on Thursday!
MUSIC: "LONG-DISTANCE DIARY" BACKGROUND MUSIC UP AND OUT.
MUSIC: TRANSITION STING.
SCENE 18-6: INT. UNDERGROUND DRIVE-IN - NIGHT
SFX: CARS DRIVING ABOUT, OCCASIONAL HORNS HONKING, GENERAL CHATTER.
NARRATOR
At last, the big day arrives. Virtually everyone in Chasm Valley has made their way to the Cine-Round-a-Dome, where Danny's movie will be showing on five of the six screens. "Shazam! Fury of the Gods" is playing on the "superhero movies only" screen.
At the center of the mile-wide rotunda that houses the drive-in, sits ye olde projection booth building.
YE OLDE BOOTH FANS
(chanting)
Booth, booth, booth. Huzzah!
NARRATOR
Just outside the building, sitting on overly-elaborate thrones, also left over from the renaissance fair, are several Chasm Valley luminaries, including Miss Falmacher, Dick Bando, Middling Fair co-Mayors Kipper and Mulligan, and the mayor of Grassssssside Greene, Mayor Barkley.
SFX: DOG BARKS.
SCENE 18-7: INT. BUS - NIGHT
SFX: BACKGROUND NOISE DIMS TO BARELY AUDIBLE LEVELS.
NARRATOR
Nearby, Princess, the modified 1976 Tiara Megacoach tandem-axle school bus, sits perpendicular to one of the screens. As good as her word, Cindy still has the Banksy artwork on display on the back doors of the bus. Inside, looking out the windows are more familiar faces: Cindy, Lenny Treetop, Cap, Giles, General Kalamity and his trusty aide, the soldier, the hotel restaurant maitre d', Detective Haartte, the owner of Caprica Coffee and the man of the hour, Danny Hillcrest.
KALAMITY
Hillcrest. You were out there, hobnobbing with the big wigs, why did you come back to sit here with us.
DANNY
I found out I'm allergic to Mayor Barkley.
SFX: DOG BARKS.
(sneezes)
Besides, I don't think they realizingly notice they don't have a speaker to hear the movie.
CINDY
Like, whoops. I'll be right back.
SFX: BUS DOOR SWINGS OPEN. OUTSIDE NOISE LEVEL INCREASES.
DRIVE-IN ANNOUNCER and film music heard over the bus's radio.
MUSIC: SHORT JINGLE BEHIND DRIVE-IN ANNOUNCER
DRIVE-IN ANNOUNCER
It's never too late to get in line.
But just one minute til showtime.
GILES
It's almost showtime. Where's Mr. Oshmont? He has the movie.
DANNY
Oh, he won't be here. He sent me a text note memo that he's off making another movie. But he had someone deliver the film. It was on a rigidly hard drive. I was all "Wow! Those movie reels must be pretty small!" Mr. Oshmont said he put a special opening premiere speech at the beginning of the film.
CINDY
Like, I'm back.
SFX: BUS DOOR CLOSES, EXTERNAL NOISE LEVEL DECREASES.
SFX: IM TONE.
LENNY
Basically, just in time, because, basically, Nomad451 sent you an instant message from the, basically, projection booth. Basically, he says the movie is ready to go.
CINDY
Like, are you ready, Danny?
DANNY
(suddenly panicked by the realization of what is about to happen)
Uh. Cut! Print! Copy and Paste!
KALAMITY
I think he meant "Go."
SFX: TYPING A TEXT.
CINDY
Like, "Go."
LENNY
That rocks.
OUTRO 18-8: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO
NARRATOR
Looks like it's showtime! How did the film turn out? You'll get the answer when you come back for the penultimate entry in our story. Chapter 19: Now You're Projecting.
MUSIC: TRANSITION STING.
MUSIC: END CREDITS VERSION OF "BIG SHOT" THEME IN AND UNDER.
CLINTON
Like the show? Be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. It's easy. Just go to comedy4cast -- all one word, with the number 4 -- and you'll find lots places to add us, like Android, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify.
In this episode, as Perry J. Oshmont, Grant Johnson, (voicegranted.com); as Abby Falmacher and Cindy, Bonnie Kenderdine; and the Narrator was played by Gary J. Chambers, (garyjchambersvo.com).
Additional voices, as well as story and music by Clinton Alvord. Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.
See you next time. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.
MUSIC: UP AND PLAYS TO END.