BIG SHOT

Chapter 17: A Fitting Farewell

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER..................COMPUTER

CLINTON.......................CLINTON ALVORD

GILES

DANNY HILLCREST

CAP

BUZZ

NARRATOR......................GARY J. CHAMBERS

ABBY FALMACHER

MAÎTRE D'.....................NATHAN ALVORD

LITTLE GIRL...................MADISON HATFIELD

PERRY J. OSHMONT..............GRANT JOHNSON

SINGERS.......................CLINTON ALVORD

BONNIE KENDERDINE

INTRO 17-1: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: CHIRP AS ID BACKGROUND ENDS.

MUSIC: "SHELTER FROM THE STORM" INSTRUMENTAL IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

This is the 2023 comedy4cast Podcast Spectacular, brought to you by the fantastic Patreon patrons. Thank you!

Why not join Charlotte, Amy, Howard, and the other amazing individuals who support the show for as little as a dollar a month.

This year's original 20-chapter story is called "Big Shot". To hear it from the beginning, go to comedy4cast.com/2023. And remember, comedy4cast is all one word, with the number 4. Now, here's Chapter 17: A Fitting Farewell.

MUSIC: "SHELTER FROM THE STORM" UP AND PLAYS TO END.

MUSIC: "BIG SHOT" THEME (SHORT VERSION) IN AND PLAYS TO END.

NARRATOR

Previously in our story -- wait a minute, if this is the first chapter you're listening to, it's going to spoil so many things. This is your chance to turn back and listen to the story from the beginning. I mean it. Final warning. Okay, here we go. Ha, ha! Fooled you. I didn't start. But now I'm going to. One. Two. Two...

CLINTON

Gary, it's fine. I mean, sure, months of writing, editing and recording will just be wasted if they listen to this chapter first. But, they're grown ups. They can make their own decisions. So --- go ahead, give the recap.

NARRATOR

Okay. You're the boss, boss. Previously in our story, it was revealed that the mysterious stranger in town is actually Perry J. Oshmont, independent film producer. Oshmont wants to turn Danny's script into a movie for the LOW Channel cable channel. See? I told you it would spoil it.

SCENE 17-2: EXT. VENUS ARMS HOTEL - MORNING

SFX: BIRDS CHIRPING.

SFX: SMALL GROUP OF PEOPLE WHISPERING.

NARRATOR

As this chapter begins, the night has passed and very soon Perry J. Oshmont will be emerging from the hotel. Everyone in town is gathered outside the front entrance to give Mr. Oshmont a special gift. Of course, with almost everyone gone in April, it's not that big of a crowd. In fact, I can practically count them on my two hands.

ABBY

Okay, Debbie Downer, zip it!

MAÎTRE D'

Quiet, s’il vous plaît! Here he comes!

SFX: "SHHH'S" CAN BE HEARD, FOLLOWED QUICKLY BY THE CROWD GROWING QUIET. THE BIRDS CAN STILL BE HEARD CHIRPING.

MAÎTRE D' (cont'd)

Quiet!

SFX: THE BIRDS STOP THEIR SINGING MID CHIRP.

SFX: AFTER A BEAT, A DUCK LETS OUT A SINGLE DEFIANT "QUACK."

NARRATOR

Suitcase in hand, sunglasses in place, Perry J. Oshmont emerges from the hotel, wisely choosing to use the sliding door to the side of the revolving one.

SFX: AUTOMATIC SLIDING DOOR OPENS.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS.

NARRATOR (cont'd)

In his haste, however, he almost runs into a young girl holding out a tray.

OSHMONT

(barely avoiding a collision)

Whoa!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS STOP.

LITTLE GIRL is the same sweet, innocent child we have encountered in the past. But now she has a job! Only a monster could resist making a purchase.

LITTLE GIRL

Hey, mister.

SFX: RUSTLE OF PAPER BAG.

LITTLE GIRL (cont'd)

Do you want to buy a bag of peanuts?

SFX: HAND REACHING INTO POCKET.

SFX: COINS DROPPING INTO HAND.

SFX: CRISP CRACKLE OF A TOSSED BAG OF PEANUTS BEING CAUGHT.

SFX: CROWD CHEERS.

MUSIC: "A HOT TIME IN THE OLD TOWN" BY THEODORE AUGUST METZ AND JOE HAYDEN, PLAYED BY A SMALL MARCHING BAND IN AND UNDER.

OSHMONT

(delighted, but puzzled)

What's all this?

ABBY

We wanted to thank you for bringing a little bit of Hollywood to Chasm Valley.

MUSIC: SONG ENDS, WITH ONE MUSICIAN RUNNING A BIT LONG.

SFX: CROWD APPLAUDS.

GILES

Hit it!

MUSIC: "OUR MAN OSHMONT" SONG BEGINS.

SINGERS

Yes, he's our man Oshmont
He's slender, but not gaunt

A movie deal, he came to seal
And now, by gosh, he's gonna make it
All too real

Yes, he's our man Oshmont
A total bon vivant

Onto our town, he'll put a crown
We can not wait to see how this one
All goes down

Yes, he's our man Oshmont
His fame he does not flaunt
Was he born in Vermont
Now we'll get what we want
Yes, he's our man Oshmont
Spell it O-S-H-M-O-N-T

MUSIC: SONG ENDS.

SFX: DUCK GIVES A SINGLE QUACK.

SFX: BIRDS BEGIN CHIRPING AGAIN.

SFX: CROWD APPLAUDS.

DANNY

Speech! Speech!

OSHMONT

Ladies and gentlemen. I don't know what to say. My time here in Middling Fair has been...memorable.

SFX: SOME CHUCKLES FROM THE CROWD.

OSHMONT (cont'd)

But I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding. We won't be filming the movie here.

SFX: PUZZLED REACTION FROM THE CROWD. FOLLOWED BY MUMBLED DISCUSSIONS.

ABBY

I don't understand. You said that you could cut costs by having the movie take place in Chasm Valley.

OSHMONT

Yes. We can. And we will. But we'll be doing it in Canada, at a recreation of Middling Fair. You see, our neighbors to the north have that certain tax incentive old-timey Americana feel this movie needs. I'm sorry.

SFX: CROWD BEGINS TO DISCUSS WHAT THIS ALL MEANS. NO ACTUAL WORDS ARE HEARD.

CAP

Do we still have to pay for the song? I'm not paying for the band, I can tell you that much.

MUSIC: BAND DOES OFF KEY "SAD TROMBONE" SLIDE.

SFX: DISAPPOINTED CROWD DISPERSES.

OSHMONT

I'm sorry, Danny. It's just business.

DANNY

(clearly disappointed)

Yeah. I guess that's why they call it show business and not fruit by the foot.

OSHMONT

(showing some compassion)

Listen, I'll call you every day and let you know what's going on. It'll be just like you were there.

DANNY

Well, I would be there. If here were there.

SFX: TRAFFIC NOISE SLOWLY FADES IN, AS CITIZENS BEGIN TO GO BACK ABOUT THEIR BUSINESS.

OSHMONT

(after a heavy sigh)

Can someone tell me how to get to the Middling Fair airport? I need to hop a puddlejumper to get to my main flight.

BUZZ

Sure thing, Benedict Showbiz. Take the trolley over there four stops to the skate park. Stick a few steezy tic tacs to get through the bowl and over to the dog park. You can cut right through, but be careful to hold your head up. The dogs owners can sense fear. Then, you have to...Wait. What are you doing?

OSHMONT

I called an Uber. It'll be here any second.

SFX: CAR PULLS UP AND IDLES.

OSHMONT (cont'd)

And there it is.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS HEADED TOWARDS CAR.

OSHMONT (cont'd)

Okay, everyone.

SFX: CAR DOOR OPENS.

OSHMONT (cont'd)

See you at the movies!

SFX: CAR DRIVES AWAY.

OUTRO 17-3: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

NARRATOR

Canada? How, exactly, is that suppposed to work? And will Oshmont finish his bag of peanuts before he boards the plane? For high-flying answers, be sure to come back for Chapter 18: The Road Wearier.

MUSIC: TRANSITION STING.

SFX: DUCK LETS OUT ANOTHER QUACK.

MUSIC: END CREDITS VERSION OF "BIG SHOT" THEME IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

If you like the show, please help spread the word, by sharing it on social media. Maybe even right now. You are this show's greatest media influencer.

In this episode, as Abby Falmacher, Bonnie Kenderdine; as the Maître d', Nathan Alvord; as the Little Girl, Madison Hatfield; as Perry J. Oshmont, Grant Johnson (voicegranted.com); as the singing townspeople, Clinton Alvord and Bonnie Kenderdine. And the Narrator was played by Gary J. Chambers (garyjchambersvo.com).

Additional voices, as well as story and music by Clinton Alvord. Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.

The song "A Hot Time In The Old Town Tonight," was written by Theodore August Metz and Joe Hayden.

See you next time. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.

MUSIC: UP AND PLAYS TO END.