comedy4cast #782

BIG SHOT

Chapter 14: What's Past Is Dialogue

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER....................COMPUTER

CLINTON

WILBERT DUNN

DETECTIVE HAARTTE

DANNY HILLCREST

CAPRICA COFFEE OWNER.........CLINTON ALVORD

NARRATOR........................GARY J. CHAMBERS

MINNIE, CLOTHING STORE OWNER....CHRISTIANA ELLIS

TURNER, BOOK STORE OWNER........JOHN BELL

CARVER, WAREHOUSE OWNER.........CAMERON McGRATH

DELIVERY PERSON 1...............STEVE NG

STRANGER........................GRANT JOHNSON

INTRO 14-1: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

CLINTON

Oh, hi! Clinton here. Stepping in for a minute to let you know that the last six episode of Big Shot will begin on Wednesday, October 11. Which gives you plenty of time to catch up on any episodes you might have missed. I'll mention how to do that in just a minute. Okay. On with the show!

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: CHIRP AS ID BACKGROUND ENDS.

MUSIC: "SHELTER FROM THE STORM" INSTRUMENTAL IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

This is the 2023 comedy4cast Podcast Spectacular, brought to you by the fantastic Patreon patrons. Thank you!

Why not join Chuck, from the Technorama podcast, Paul, Kyle, and the other amazing individuals who support the show for as little as a dollar a month.

This year's original 20-chapter story is called "Big Shot". To hear it from the beginning, got to comedy4cast.com/2023. And remember, comedy4cast is all one word, with the number 4. Now, here's Chapter 14: What's Past Is Dialogue.

MUSIC: "SHELTER FROM THE STORM" UP AND PLAYS TO END.

MUSIC: "BIG SHOT" THEME (SHORT VERSION) IN AND PLAYS TO END.

NARRATOR

Previously in our story, Detective Haartte was trying to investigate the mysterious stranger who has come to Middling Fair to find Danny Hillcrest. However, after sitting down with the stranger at Caprica Coffee, it was Haartte who found himself doing the talking.

Haartte revealed that Danny had given the detective his very first case. A statue of Venus de Milo had been stolen from the Middling Fair Jewelry store and Pot Luck Betting Parlor.

SCENE 14-2: INT. HAARTTE'S APARTMENT - DAY (FLASHBACK)

NARRATOR

As this chapter begins, Detective Haartte continues telling his story to the stranger.

MUSIC: DESCENDING HARP GLISSANDO.

IN-STORY FLASHBACK BEGINS HERE...

SFX: IN-STORY FLASHBACK AUDIO SHOULD BE PROCESSED AS NORMAL AUDIO, WHILE CHARACTER NAMES WITH A "(VO)" EXTENSION SHOULD HAVE THEIR DIALOGUE PROCESSED TO INDICATE THEY ARE OUTSIDE OF THE ACTION TAKING PLACE

HAARTTE (VO)

I made a quick trip back to my...place of work that just happens to have a closet full of clothes

SFX: DOOR OPENS.

DANNY

Hi! Danny Hillcrest here!

HAARTTE

Gah! Hillcrest? What are you doing here?

DANNY

You forgot to givingly hand me my eye view prescription.

HAARTTE

I am not an optometrist!

DANNY

You are a human being! And soylent green is made from people!

HAARTTE

I don't have time for this. I just needed to pick up a few things.

SFX: RUMMAGING THROUGH DRAWER.

HAARTTE (cont'd)

I have a statue to find.

DANNY

Is it a lady? About this tall? With arms that aren't there?

HAARTTE

How do you know that?

DANNY

I took it!

HAARTTE

Damn. I'm good. Why'd ya do it, kid?

DANNY

I saw it on the jewelry store's loading dock and I figuringly realized it was left there by mistake. Why does a jewelry store need a mannequin? I thought I'd help out Mr. Dunn and have the delivery people bringly take it to a different store.

HAARTTE

Alright, kid. Let's see if we can fix this. After we get the statue, you can explain to Dunn that what you did was indeed done as a decent deed. Deal?

DANNY

Could you say that again?

HAARTTE

Not without a dozen shots of Dewer's. Let's go.

SFX: TRANSITION WHOOSH.

SCENE 14-3: INT. DRESS SHOP - DAY (FLASHBACK)

HAARTTE (VO)

We high-tailed it over to the Middling Fair Dress Shop and Impromptu Event-Planning Service to speak with Minnie, the owner.

MINNIE is very snooty. Her demeanor is more aloof than her modest store can possibly justify.

MINNIE

Why, no. I don't have it. That "thing" was all wrong for my store. It was wearing some kind of dreadful wrap-around skirt that couldn't even be removed. I mean, really. A mannequin that can't be changed? Have you ever heard of such a thing?

HAARTTE

I guess I have now.

MINNIE

I won't have it, I tell you. I maintain a very a high standard here. Besides, it was blocking my entire display of mom jeans and crocheted leg warmers.

(indicating DANNY)

I had this young man here take it away.

HAARTTE

What young man?

DANNY

Hi! Danny Hillcrest here.

MINNIE

Yes, I suggested he take it to the Middling Fair Book Store and Haystack Needle Placement Service. A much better fit for that mannequin. Certainly better than the way that skirt fit. Poor thing. No wonder she turned to stone -- out of embarrassment.

HAARTTE

Hillcrest, why didn't you tell me you took it there?

DANNY

Sorry, I have a reversingly regression type mind. But, now that you already know what I did, I rememberly recall telling the delivery people to take it to the book store.

HAARTTE

Fine. Let's go. There's too much fashion here, anyway.

SFX: TRANSITION STING.

SCENE 14-4: INT. BOOK STORE - DAY (FLASHBACK)

TURNER is a reserved, older man, who'd rather be left alone. Think Alan Rickman as Snape.

TURNER

Yes. I remember having the statue delivered. And I remember giving that man behind you a firm "No."

DANNY

Hi! Danny Hillcrest here!

TURNER

What good is a statue with no arms in a book store?

HAARTTE

I see.

TURNER

That sort of tchotchke may be fine for someone who sells "comic books," but this is a legitimate book store.

HAARTTE

Hang on, Mr. Turner. Aren't those comic books on that shelf over there?

TURNER

Those, sir, are graph-ic nov-els. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to restock the D and D miniatures aisle.

(rolling his eyes, disgusted by the thought)

It's "Warlocks and Wizards Wednesday."

HAARTTE

(at his wit's end)

Hillcrest. I'd love to take a tour of every mom and pop business in town -- and no, I didn't mean that -- but there isn't time. Where did you have the delivery people drop this thing off and leave it there?!

DANNY

Let's see. I had them bring it to the dance studio, but they said something about it not being able to move, then the hobby shop, but they didn't want a model without all the parts...Oh! Now I remember!

SFX: TRANSITION STING.

SCENE 14-5: INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY (FLASHBACK)

CARVER is a businessman. Practical, a bit slimey, but mostly fair. Sort of like a Russian mobster with a heart of, well, at least bronze.

CARVER

Sure I remember getting the statue. They don't call this the Middling Fair Rare Statue Warehouse and Drive-Thru Parking Lot for nothing. The delivery crew seemed pretty happy to get rid of it, too. They acted like they'd been lugging it around all day.

HAARTTE

Finally! Where is it?

CARVER

Right in here.

SFX: LARGE VAULT DOOR OPENING.

SFX: SETS OF LIGHTS BEING TURNED ON, ILLUMINATING THE VAST SPACE.

DANNY

Holy Indiana Jones crate-filled finale!

HAARTTE

There must be a couple hundred Venus de Milo statues in here.

CARVER

All sizes, all kinds. I got statues, statuettes, maquettes, floor lamps, broom handles, Christmas ornaments, menorahs, kinaras, coffee mugs, you name it. Having a "Milo" was a big, big craze last year. Everybody wanted one. Now? You can't give 'em away. So, I sold them all.

HAARTTE

What do you mean you sold them?

CARVER

I have a service coming in today to cart everything out and crush it into a giant, ugly cube. Now that I can sell.

HAARTTE

Look, I just need one. A full size Venus de Milo, marble, carved in Italy.

CARVER

Mister, you've just described half the things in here. And, to be honest, if you want one thing from all this, you're going to have to take everything.

HAARTTE

This is a question I rarely ask myself, but, what am I gonna do with hundreds of Venus de Milos?

CARVER

Make your own weird terra cotta army for all I care.

SFX: TRUCK BEEPING AS IT BACKS UP CAN BE HEARD IN BACKGROUND.

CARVER (cont'd)

The truck's here. Tick tock.

HAARTTE

Fine! I'll buy the whole lot! What the heck. I can put it down as an expense on my tab.

CARVER

You won't regret it. Ha. I'm kidding. You totally will. I'll write you up a receipt.

HAARTTE

Now, how do I get these things out of here?

CARVER

Ask the truck crew. They might be able to help you out. Here comes the driver now.

HAARTTE

Excuse me.

DELIVERY PERSON 1

Yeah?

DANNY

Hi! Danny Hillcrest here!

DELIVERY PERSON 1

Oh, no! We told you, Hillcrest. We're done loading and unloading that statue!

DANNY

I wouldn't be so sure!

MUSIC: ASCENDING HARP GLISSANDO.

...IN-STORY FLASHBACK ENDS HERE.

HAARTTE (VO)

After I assured the delivery people that Hillcrest would not be coming along with us, they agreed to load everything onto the truck. Fortunately, I was able to locate the one Abby Falmacher ordered. It had a plaque on the back: "Statue. Part 1 of 3." What chutzpah. I dropped that one off at the jewelry store so Dunn could tell Abby it was ready to be picked up. She'd be none the wiser. He was thrilled. Maybe a little less so when I showed him the bill and told him about everything else in the truck. He stuck me with all that. But I have to admit, he started recommending me to all the businesses in town. It saved my bacon. Kinda gets you right here.

SFX: CRUNCH OF PAPER.

STRANGER

What was that?

NARRATOR

Haartte reaches into his jacket and pulls out his Statement of Purpose.

SFX: PAPER UNFOLDING.

HAARTTE

"I promise to provide everyone in town with my detective services."

STRANGER

What did you say?

HAARTTE

(speaking to himself, it suddenly hits him)

And I...I was a total jerk to him when he needed my help with that jewel story robbery. I guess I was pretty full of myself after solving the case of the Waffle Batter Sphere -- mostly by myself. I think I owe Dunn an apology.

SFX: CHAIR SLIDES OUT.

HAARTTE (cont'd)

Right now!

SFX: RAPID FOOTSTEPS AS HAARTTE HEADS FOR THE DOOR.

STRANGER

(fed up)

Terrific.

SFX: DING OF BELL AS DOOR OPENS.

STRANGER (cont'd)

Just one more dead end.

SFX: DOOR CLOSES.

STRANGER (cont'd)

All I've done since I got here is collect a bunch of stories about how Hillcrest has messed up people's lives.

OWNER

Excuse me, are you going to finish his coffee.

STRANGER

Huh? Oh. No. You can take that away.

OWNER

I suppose I could do that. But...

SFX: SLURP OF COFFEE.

OWNER (cont'd)

Waste not, want more, I always say.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS WALK AWAY.

STRANGER

(frustrated and angry)

Enough! I'm going back to that hotel right now and make them dig through their records, look in Hillcrest's room -- whatever it takes. Danny Hillcrest's time has run out!

OUTRO 14-6: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

NARRATOR

It looks like the stranger's patience has reached its limit. What will he do next? For answers, be sure to come back for Chapter 15: Chekhov's Gun.

MUSIC: TRANSITION STING.

MUSIC: END CREDITS VERSION OF "BIG SHOT" THEME IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

Like the show? Be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. It's easy. Just go to comedy4cast -- all one word, with the number 4 -- and you'll see lots places to add us, like Apple Podcasts, Amazon music and iHeartRadio.

In this episode, as Minnie, the clothing store owner, Christiana Ellis (christianaellis.com); as Turner, the Book Store Owner, John Bell, from the "Bell's in the Batfry" podcast (thebatfry.com); as Carver, the Warehouse Owner, Cameron McGrath; as Delivery Person 1, Steve Ng, (steveng5.com), that's Steve, N-G, the number 5, dot com ; as the stranger, Grant Johnson (voicegranted.com); And the Narrator was played by Gary J. Chambers (garyjchambersvo.com).

Additional voices, as well as story and music by Clinton Alvord. Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.

See you next time. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.

MUSIC: UP AND PLAYS TO END.