comedy4cast episode #769

BIG SHOT

Chapter 1: Danny in Distress

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER..................COMPUTER

CLINTON

GILES

BUZZ

DANNY HILLCREST.............CLINTON ALVORD

NARRATOR......................GARY J. CHAMBERS

ABBY FALMACHER................BONNIE KENDERDINE

MAÎTRE D'.....................NATHAN ALVORD

INTRO 1-1: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

MUSIC: CHIRP AS ID BACKGROUND ENDS.

MUSIC: "SHELTER FROM THE STORM" INSTRUMENTAL IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

This is the 2023 comedy4cast Podcast Spectacular, brought to you by the fantastic Patreon patrons. Thank you!

Why not join Kalynn, Krazy Joe Adventures, Gary, and the other amazing individuals who support the show for as little as a dollar a month.

This year's original 20-chapter story is called "Big Shot". Now, here's Chapter 1: Danny in Distress.

MUSIC: "SHELTER FROM THE STORM" UP AND PLAYS TO END.

MUSIC: 2023 PODCAST-A-DAY THEME (SHORT VERSION) IN AND PLAYS TO END.

MUSIC: PLEASANT INSTRUMENTAL PLAYS IN BACKGROUND.

NARRATOR

Hello, dear listener. My name is Gary. And, once again, I will serve as your humble narrator for this tale from Middling Fair.

We begin, as we often do, here, in Chasm Valley; home to two wildly different communities.

MUSIC: TUNE BECOMES DARK, OMINOUS.

NARRATOR (cont'd)

On one side of the valley is the chaotic, accident-generating town that spells its name with 7 S's, Grassssssside Greene.

MUSIC: LIGHT, CHEERFUL VERSION OF "SHELTER FROM THE STORM".

On the other side sits the sleepy, yet somehow bustling municipality of Middling Fair -- the town built on a cul de sac. Well, normally it's sleepy.

MUSIC: TUNE TURNS DARK AGAIN, AND ENDS ABRUPTLY.

NARRATOR (cont'd)

But, every April, things tend to get -- complicated. For instance, last year April didn't begin until May and went all the way through November.

(as an aside)

A musical? What was Clinton thinking?

(ack to normal.)

Where was I? Ah, yes. April in Middling Fair.

MUSIC: LIGHT RENDITION OF "SHELTER FROM THE STORM" BEGINS AGAIN.

NARRATOR (cont'd)

This year, most of the good people of this community chose wisely and have already made their exit from the valley. An enterprising local travel agency arranged a 30-day, 18-night cruise to Alaska -- Pennsylvania for anyone looking to escape for the month. As I understand it, the highlight of the cruise is getting to see the ship limbo under the highway overpasses.

SFX: BOAT FOG HORN PLAYS, ALSO ENDING BACKGROUND MUSIC.

NARRATOR (cont'd)

But I digress -- again.

SFX: BACKGROUND AMBIENCE OF DOWNTOWN.

NARRATOR (cont'd)

Let's check in on some of the residents who choose to remain in town every year, by visiting the lobby of the Venus Arms Hotel and Towers, Middling Fair's finest, and only, full-service hotel and apartments facility. It's right here, through this revolving door.

SCENE 1-2: INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY

SFX: FLUTTER OF REVOLVING DOOR, WHICH COMES TO AN ABRUPT STOP.

NARRATOR

Uh. I think it's stuck.

SFX: RATTLING OF DOOR HANDLE.

NARRATOR (cont'd)

(grunts, trying to budge the door)

Never mind. We can see from here. Ah, there's Abby Falmacher, the owner of the hotel and the Little Wicker Basket Company. "Little Wicker Baskets -- They're everywhere." She's speaking with Giles, the front desk clerk and assistant manager. Let's see if we can hear what they're saying.

SFX: FOR A MOMENT, VOICES IN THE LOBBY ARE SLIGHTLY MUFFLED, AS IT IS BEING HEARD THROUGH THE GLASS OF THE REVOLVING DOOR. WE QUICKLY PASS THROUGH THE GLASS, CLEARING UP THE AUDIO.

CAP, the hotel's extremely old bell captain, can be heard snoring in the background. CAP is clearly the oldest of the people on staff at the hotel. He is practically part of the furniture. In fact, he prefers not to get up off the furniture.

ABBY FALMACHER is the no-nonsense owner of the hotel. She is a powerful business leader. While ABBY is definitely in her golden years, she never reveals her true age.

GILES is the Hotel's front desk clerk and assistant manager. Despite his public-facing duties, he often has a bit of an attitude when it comes to interacting with people.

ABBY

Well, it's April, Giles. You know what that means.

GILES

(sighs)

I do.

SFX: AS THE VOICES COMING FROM THE HOTEL LOBBY BEGIN TO COME INTO FOCUS, WE CAN HEAR AN ECHO AS THE CHARACTERS SPEAK, HINTING AT THE SIZE OF THE LOBBY.

ABBY

That annoying narrator voice is going to start butting in at random times all month long.

SFX: NARRATOR'S VOICE PROCESSING REFLECTING HIS BEING INSIDE A SMALL, GLASS-WALLED SPACE.

NARRATOR

Hey!

SFX: POUNDING ON GLASS OF REVOLVING DOOR.

NARRATOR (cont'd)

I can hear you!

GILES

Oh, I thought you meant we are due for a disaster.

ABBY

Isn't that what I just said?

CAP snores extra loudly, calling attention to his near catatonic state.

GILES

Miss Falmacher, I still insist that this chair you got for Cap is a bit too comfy. Is this how we want our guests to be greeted?

(knowing that ABBY will not reverse her decision to purchase the chair, GILES moves on)

By the way, did you hear about today's Grassssssside Greene catastrophe? I believe they are talking about it on the news, right now.

NARRATOR

(sarcastic)

How convenient.

SFX: CLICK OF TV SET BEING TURNED ON VIA REMOTE.

SFX: BUZZ'S VOICE DYNAMICS REFLECTING THE FACT HE IS BEING HEARD OVER TV SPEAKERS.

BUZZ (OVER TV SPEAKER)

Keeping its perfect record intact, Disaster struck today in Middling Fair's half-sister town, Grassssssside Greene. Early this morning an iceberg was seen floating through the parking lot of the town's "Brace For Impact" shopping plaza. Grassssssside Greene's Mayor Barkley had this to say.

SFX: DOG BARKS.

BUZZ

This is the town's first official parking lot iceberg sighting of the season.

MUSIC: PIANO TRILL TO INDICATE A CHANGE OF SEGMENT.

BUZZ (cont'd)

Turning to Business and Entertainment News, upheaval in the world of cable TV continues as services struggle to --

SFX: CLICK OF TV BEING TURNED OFF VIA REMOTE.

NARRATOR

I could have done that as a voice-over!

ABBY

At least our disasters are confined to one month a year.

MUSIC: DRAMATIC CHORD.

SFX: RAPID FOOTSTEPS CAN BE HEARD APPROACHING THE FRONT DESK FROM A DISTANT POINT JUST OFF THE LOBBY.

NARRATOR

At that very moment, a rather flustered-looking Danny Hillcrest emerges from the hotel's restaurant, rapidly headed towards the front desk. He is carrying a small package and is being pursued by the fancy eatery's maître d'.

MAÎTRE D'

That is right. Avancez! Maintenant! And do not come back!

NARRATOR

Danny reaches the desk. His eyes dart about the room. Leaning in to talk to Giles, he nearly knocks over a small Venus de Milo statue that sits on the counter.

SFX: STATUE BASE ROCKING ON A HARD SURFACE.

DANNY HILLCREST acts as if he were young and inexperienced in the way of the world. Unfortunately, he is not that young and probably should know a lot more about how things actually work. Still, his unbridled enthusiasm gives him a bit of charm, when experienced in small doses. Today, however, that zest for life has been replaced by slight panic.

DANNY

Sorry. I didn't know my darting eyes were that strong!

(whispering)

Hi! Danny Hillcrest here.

GILES

(whispering)

Yes, I know, Danny. Why are you whispering?

DANNY

(whispering)

I don't want to disturb Miss Falmacher.

GILES

(whispering)

How lucky I am that you decided to disturb me instead.

NARRATOR

(still trying to move the revolving door)

Maybe if I push gently I can...

SFX: CLACK OF METAL BAR BEING RATTLED.

DANNY

(practically jumping out of his skin)

What was that!

ABBY

Nothing but trouble.

GILES

What can I do for you, Danny?

DANNY

Oh. Hi! Danny Hillcrest here!

GILES

You already said that.

DANNY

Sorry. Have...have there been any wordly messages for me?

GILES

Nary a one.

DANNY

Uh...?

GILES

No. It means "No."

SFX: REVOLVING DOOR STARTS BACK UP.

NARRATOR

Ah! Got it!

SFX: THE MUFFLED FILTERING OF THE NARRATOR'S VOICE DISAPPEARS.

DANNY

(another panicked jump)

And what was that?

ABBY

Just the beginning of a month's worth of superfluous voice-over.

DANNY

I love it!

GILES

You do?

DANNY

No!

GILES

Danny, what do you want?!

DANNY

I'm not sure. It's...it's been a tough few months.

GILES

Still no luck selling your holiday rom com script?

ABBY

(supportive)

Don't give up hope, Danny. You just need to keep submitting it. Someone will show interest. Which will lead to a movie deal, and that will lead to a premier. Maybe even right here in Middling Fair.

GILES

And you moving to California.

(under his breath)

I hope.

DANNY

I don't thinkingly know. It's been turned down more times than the Wilshire Boulevard entrance to the 405. I keep tweakingly updating the holiday and sending it to another cable channel. Now it's the Arbor Day story of a man tree surgeon who falls for a woman lumberjack logger. I call it "I Stanned Her Sawing There."

SFX: CRICKETS.

GILES

(sarcastically)

I see you clearly took my advice and only wrote about your own personal experiences.

DANNY

Two fortnite tournament weeks ago I sent it to the very last cable channel on my list - The LOW Channel.

ABBY

LOW?

DANNY

The Legit Off-the-Wall Channel. They take anything. Well, except for old Quibi content and Zack Galifianakis projects. Nobody wants those!

ABBY

Oh. I'm so sorry, Danny.

DANNY

(back to slight panic mode)

It's not just that, Miss Falmacher. I had to borrow an awful lot to send out all these scripts. I'm not sure certain people will be happy if things don't work out and I can't repay them.

CAP snores loudly.

DANNY (cont'd)

(another scare)

Ahhhhhh!

SFX: FOOTSTEPS RUNNING ACROSS LOBBY.

ABBY

Danny! That's just Cap!

NARRATOR

With amazing speed, Danny races across the lobby towards the sliding door next to --

DANNY

(interrupting)

No time for narrational voice-overs! Gotta go.

MUSIC: CARTOON-LIKE XYLOPHONE UPWARD GLISSANDO.

SFX: AUTOMATIC DOOR SLIDES OPEN AND CLOSED.

ABBY

What was that all about?

GILES

I don't know. But...Oh. He left his package behind. Danny! Danny!

SFX: DVD CASES HIT THE FRONT DESK COUNTER.

ABBY

Are those DVD's?

GILES

Yes. A boxed set called the "On The Lamb" collection. Let's see.

SFX: AS EACH TITLE IS READ, WE HEAR A DVD CASE PLACED ON THE COUNTER.

GILES (cont'd)

There's "Some Like It Hot," "Sister Act," "My Blue Heaven" and "Snakes on a Plane". Why does he keep buying these? He never even takes them out of the shrink wrap.

ABBY

Maybe he's hoping that one day they'll be as valuable as his collection of movie theater popcorn buckets.

(pause, then, disappointed)

Still filled with popcorn. Buttered popcorn.

OUTRO 1-3: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

NARRATOR

Is Danny really in trouble? Who, exactly, are these people that Danny owes? And when is someone going to fix that revolving door? For possible answers, be sure to come back for Chapter Two: High 10AM.

MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING.

MUSIC: END CREDITS VERSION OF "BIG SHOT" THEME IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

If you like the show, please help spread the word by sharing it on social media. Maybe even right now. You are this show's greatest media influencer.

In this episode, as Abby, Bonnie Kenderdine. As the maître d', Nathan Alvord. And the Narrator was played by Gary J. Chambers, GaryJChambersVO.com

Additional voices, as well as story and music by Clinton Alvord. Copyright 2023. All rights reserved.

See you next time. But for now, that's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.

MUSIC: END CREDITS VERSION OF "BIG SHOT" UP AND ENDS.