comedy4cast episode 768

ODDS AND ENDS: FRANK TALK ABOUT THE ROAD

Written by

Clinton Alvord

CAST

(in order of appearance, where possible, otherwise by actor)

ID ANNOUNCER.....................COMPUTER

CLINTON..........................CLINTON ALVORD

SIR PATRICK STEWART..............SIR PATRICK STEWART

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

SOUND: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.

SOUND: CHIRP AS ID BACKGROUND ENDS.

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST INTRO MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

Oh, hi! You're here. Let's get started. This is comedy4cast episode 768, "Odds and Ends: Frank Talk About The Road". Brought to you by the amazing comedy4cast Patreon patrons. Thank you! More about that, after the show.

MUSIC: UP AND OUT.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Well, it's time to check out my mind and see what's bounding around in there.

SFX: SPRINGS BOUNCING.

CLINTON (cont'd)

What's been bouncing the highest lately is car stuff. Could that be because my car battery died a few weeks ago? Yeah. Could be.

Of course, the idea that a battery can pass away is an odd thing by itself, isn't it? And, when you look at it that way, we're the ones that kill them. Well, either that or we keep recharging them, like Frankenstein trying to hot wire his monster.

SFX: CLAP OF THUNGER.

SFX: ELECTRIC ZAP.

SFX: MONSTER ROARS, BUT SOUND SLOWS TO A STOP.

FRANKENSTEIN

Drat! Only 60 percent charged!

CLINTON

Try reversing the polarity. That always seems to work.

But where was I? Or, more importantly, where was my mind? Oh. Right. Cars.

See, this one got me the other day. It was a car commercial where they weren't very careful about what they said.

It was just a commercial for, well, let's call it "MOYOTA". The woman in the ad exclaimed "Imagine yourself in a new Moyota." So, I did. I imagined myself right there, in the driver's seat of a Moyota Coyola, cruising down the street. Window rolled down, radio blasting -- at a volume that filled the car but yet was not overly intrusive to the general environment, you understand. There are rules.

Then, I imagined looking in the rear view mirror and seeing some flashing light. I imagined myself being pulled over by a police officer. Because, apparently I hadn't thought about imagining license plates on the car.

SFX: POLICE SIREN GROWS IN INTENSITY, THEN STOPS.

CLINTON (cont'd)

"I'm sorry officer, I was just trying to imagine myself in a new Moyota."

"Uh huh," the imaginary officer replied. "Can I see your license and registration?"

"I don' have any -- You see, the thing is, this isn't my car."

"Who's car is it?"

"I'm not sure. See, this woman on TV said to imagine myself in a new Moyota."

"A woman. On TV."

"Yes. And, well, here I am."

Then, I imagine myself being not being behind the wheel of a Moyota, but sitting in a jail cell for auto theft.

SFX: JAIL CELL DOOR SLAMMING SHUT.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Thanks, Moyota.

Which brings me to this odd news story about not choosing words wisely when it comes to transportation.

It seems we've said goodbye to that oversized traveling road sausage, the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

SFX: SMALL CROWD GASPS IN DISBELIEF.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Oh, don't worry. If you're a fan of that street-legal knockwurst-wagon. It's still around. But it's no longer the Wienermobile. Its now...

SFX: DRUM ROLL.

CLINTON (cont'd)

The Oscar Mayer Frankmobile!

(pause)

Yeah. I know.

Why the change? The first since the weenie wagon arrived on the scene in 1936, by the way. Apparently Oscar Mayer has changed the recipe for their hot dogs. And that's the first time that's happened in...

SFX: DRUM ROLL.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Six years.

(pause)

Yeah. I know.

According to the press release, this new formula has a “more balanced flavor profile with iconic beefy taste that is more delicious than ever." Which translates as "it tastes the same - but different." Anyway, now, when you see one of the six internal-combustion foot-long meat wagons rolling down your street, your first thought will clearly be. Hey! That semi-suggestive condiment-loving coach reminds me of the new recipe for Oscar Mayer's iconic all beef Franks!" and clearly not "Wienermoble!"

Oh, and in case you were wondering, which I'm sure you were, the people that drive the vehicle around used to be called Hot-doggers. Which seemed pretty darned cool to me. But now...now they'll be known as...

SFX: DRUM ROLL:

CLINTON (cont'd)

Frankfurters.

(pause)

Yeah. I know.

And all of this talk about cars and Weenie Frankmobiles roaming the highways and byways of America started another thing bounding around inside my mind.

SFX: SPRINGS BOUNCING.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Markings on the road. And not just any markings. Although, side note: CAPTCHA, I'm getting tired of identifying pedestrian crossing for you. They're not that hard to understand. Move on.

Now where was I? Okay. I'm talking about is a very particular marking that sometimes shows up when you're coming to an intersection. It's just one word -- in big, screamin' all caps intensity.

"ONLY"

And that immediately sets off my mind. "ONLY?" "ONLY" what? ONLY in Theaters? ONLY Fans? ONLY murders in the building?! ONLY the good die young?

The suspense is killing me. Which is probably not the reaction you want to get from a highway marking.

It turns out this word is just the first part of a special message -- one that tells me if the lane I'm in is ONLY for going straight ahead. Or ONLY a left turn. Or ONLY for a right-hand turn. Whichever it is, my mind assures me that I'm in the wrong lane.

Or am I?

I don't know. Because now that "Only" has my full attention, the other part of the message, the big yellow arrow that tells me which "ONLY" lane I'm in is underneath that car in front of me. Should I stay in this lane? Swerve right? Left? Up? Just park here and walk? I don't know!

My mind tells me the logical thing to do. Go slower. And slower. Hoping that the traffic will move before I catch up.

Why isn't the arrow first? That's the part I need to know. Is it because they want to catch my attention? Hey, look, I think a giant arrow pointing in a direction I don't want to go would do that job just fine all by itself.

Eventually, the car ahead of me moves and I finally get to see the arrow. Yup. Wrong lane. And no time to switch.

(pause)

Looks like I'm getting on the highway, headed towards Canada. I wonder if they have intersections with giant letters that say "SEULEMENT"?

See, that's French for "ONLY" and...I have to get my passport in order. I'll talk to you again next time.

MUSIC: "COMEDY4CAST" END THEME IN AND UNDER.

SIR PATRICK

My goodness! Look at the time. Let's wrap this up, shall we?

CLINTON

Right you are, Sir Patrick. But first, a shout out to our Patreon patrons. Thanks to Charlotte, Stan, Zack, Barry, Amy, Howard, Krazy Joe Adventures, Chuck from the Technorama Podcast, Paul, Kyle, Steve, Bryn, Gary, Darren and Kalynn. If you'd like to join these podcast heroes to help support comedy4cast -- for as little as a dollar a month, by the way, and get episodes before everyone else -- go to patreon.com slash comedy4cast -- all one word, with the number "4". Thank you!

SIR PATRICK

As always, this is Sir Patrick Stewart.

CLINTON

And I'm Clinton

SIR PATRICK

Saying

CLINTON

That's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.

SIR PATRICK

That's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.

CLINTON

Or should I say "Au revoir"?

MUSIC: "O CANADA" CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM UP AND ENDS.

THE END