comedy4cast episode 766
ODDS AND ENDS: DIGIT DILEMMA
Written by
Clinton Alvord
copyright (c) 2023
Episode released May 8, 2023
CAST
(in order of appearance)
ID ANNOUNCER.....................COMPUTER
CLINTON
DANNY HILLCREST..................CLINTON ALVORD
SIR PATRICK STEWART..............SIR PATRICK STEWART
INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO
SOUND: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING
ID ANNOUNCER
The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.
SOUND: CHIRP AS ID BACKGROUND ENDS.
CLINTON
Oh, hi! You're here. Then let's get started.
MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST INTRO MUSIC IN AND UNDER.
CLINTON (cont'd)
This is comedy4cast episode 767, "Odds and Ends: Digit Dilemma". Brought to you by the totally awesome comedy4cast Patreon patrons. Thank you!
MUSIC: UP AND OUT.
CLINTON (cont'd)
I'm still in production on this year's big story - it's a 20-episode epic for your listening pleasure.
SFX: CROWD RESPONDS "OOOOOOH."
CLINTON (cont'd)
But I just took a peek in the oven and it needs a bit longer to bake.
SFX: DISAPPOINTED CROWD REPONDS "AWWWW."
CLINTON (cont'd)
Be patient. And stay away from that stove! It's hot!
So, while we wait, I thought I'd do a few good old "just you and me" episodes about things on my mind. Or, more accurately, about things that bounce around inside my mind, looking for the exit.
SFX: SPRING TWANG.
CLINTON (cont'd)
And, I'll toss in an odd news story or two along the way! Hence the name "Odds and Ends." It's a real smorgasbord of comedy4cast formats. Oh great. Another food analogy. It's making me hungry.
SFX: OVEN DOOR BANGS OPENS.
CLINTON (cont'd)
Hey, I said stay away from that oven!
DANNY
(some distance away)
Sorry.
SFX: OVEN DOOR CLOSES.
MUSIC: LIGHT BACKGROUND TUNE IN AND UNDER.
CLINTON
All right. Let's see. What's been bouncing around inside my mind? Well, this, for one thing, I needed to count something the other day. You know, 1, 2, 3, 4... I think we've all done that. Okay, I KNOW we've all done that. And, sure, it's easy. But the idea that we have names for numbers struck me as kind of strange. It began bouncing around inside my mind while I was counting. I began thinking...
SFX: ECHOED TONE ADDED TO INDICATE INTERNAL MONOLOGUE.
CLINTON (cont'd)
"Wow, whoever it was that came up with the names for numbers ran out of ideas really fast."
SFX: ECHOED TONE ENDS.
CLINTON (cont'd)
Look at it this way -- zero through ten, those are fine. All of those have different names. They're good to go.
SFX: MILD APPLAUSE IN AND UNDER.
CLINTON (cont'd)
Same for eleven, twelve, thirteen...and then we get to fourteen.
SFX: APPLAUSE ENDS.
CLINTON (cont'd)
Thirteen. Fourteen. Really?
SFX: BUZZER.
CLINTON (cont'd)
Fifteen. You're already out of ideas?
SFX: BUZZER.
CLINTON (cont'd)
Sixteen. Yup. More of the same.
SFX: BUZZER.
CLINTON (cont'd)
And where did this "teen" part come from anyway?
Then, when you get to twenty and think, maybe there's some hope there -- nope. Twenty one. Twenty two. Twenty three.
SFX: BUZZER 3 TIMES IN RAPID SUCCESSION.
CLINTON (cont'd)
Total lack of imagination. And now that I think about it, the pattern is messed up, too, right? Twenty six, sixteen? That's not right. Shouldn't all those numbers right after ten be tenty-one, tenty-two, tenty-three?
Of course, I guess that would mean teenagers would be tenty-agers. But, sure. Whatever.
SFX: TEENAGER GRUNTS HER FRUSTRATION OVER THIS IDEA.
CLINTON (cont'd)
This whole numbers thing kept bouncing around inside my mind because the shapes of the numbers aren't any better than the names. That five? That numbers person just took a 2 and turned it around and upside down. 3? Well that's just an 8 with two bites taken out of it.
SFX: TWO CRUNCHY BITING SOUNDS.
CLINTON (cont'd)
They put the 5 right next to the 6 -- when all they did was close up the circle. Ooh. That's impressive. And let's not even get started on the 6 and the 9. Because, mostly family friendly podcast. But the point is -- whoever the person in charge of numbers was, why did we hire them?
MUSIC: BACKGROUND TUNE ENDS.
CLINTON (cont'd)
You know, speaking of numbers, here's an odd news story that fits right in here. Now that the number of humpback whales is back on the rise, they're singing a different tune.
Actually, no. They're not. That's the news.
SFX: WHALE SONG IN BACKGROUND.
CLINTON (cont'd)
Researchers think that the tunes the male humpback whales sing play a role in attracting mates and asserting dominance. Kind of like a U.F.C. Boy Band. When the humpbacks were nearly hunted to extinction, some 20 percent of the male population sang. But the population has built itself back up again. To some surprising results.
Marine biologist Rebecca Dunlop had this to say. Hold on a second.
SFX: SPLASH OF PERSON DIVING INTO THE WATER.
SFX: BUBBLES.
SFX: RAPID PHASING ADDED TO VOICE, SIMULATING UNDERWATER EFFECT
CLINTON (cont'd)
That's better.
She said “[It's] getting more difficult to actually find singers. When there were fewer of them, there was a lot of singing — now that there are lots of them, no need to be singing so much.”
SFX: SPLASH OF PERSON EXITING THE WATER.
MUSIC: BACKGROUND MUSIC IN AND UNDER.
CLINTON (cont'd)
And I know this news has been devastating at the NBC television network. Because they were deep into pre-production on their latest series spin-off "The Voice: Pacific Rim."
No, it's true. They'd already lined up their panel of singing judges and coaches. And how in the world are they going to break this news to Jason Mamoa, Daryl Hannah, that sexy creature from 'The Shape of Water,' and the wreck of the Titanic?"
Okay. And, you know, this whole numbers thing I was talking about is still bouncing around in there.
SFX: SPRING TWANGS.
CLINTON (cont'd)
Why didn't we just hire whoever did the alphabet to deal with designing and naming numbers? I mean, the alphabet seems to have it all together.
Lower-case "a" looks way different than lower-case "b," or "c," and -- Oh. Wait. Hold on a second. A lower-case "d" is just a lower-case "b" turned around. Wow. Three whole letters before they gave up. And then I guess they thought, "well, if I spread this stuff out, I can take that "b" and flip it upside down and backwards, and call it "p" and no one will notice. And maybe no one would have." But, just like with the 5 and 6, they put the lower case p right next to the lower case q.
At least the names are all different. Let's see, there's aye, bee, cee, dee, eee, gee, pee, tee, vee
You know what. We should just start over. Hold a contest -- "Name That Letter." I'll take the letter formerly known as "C." "C" will now be pronounced Clinton. But, hold on a second. Does that means if someone asks me to spell my name, I'd have to say Clinton. That's Clinton, like in Clinton?
I'm obviously too hungry. I need something to eat.
SFX: OVEN DOOR OPENS.
SFX: BURST OF FLAMES FLY OUT.
CLINTON (cont'd)
Oops.
SFX: OVEN DOOR CLOSES.
CLINTON (cont'd)
Not in there. Let me know what you think of this format. And I'll talk to you again next time.
MUSIC: "COMEDY4CAST" END THEME IN AND UNDER.
SIR PATRICK
My goodness! Look at the time. Let's wrap this up, shall we?
CLINTON
Right you are, Sir Patrick. But first, a shout out to our Patreon patrons.
MUSIC: ENDING THEME IN AND UNDER.
CLINTON (cont'd)
Thanks to Charlotte, Stan, Zack, Barry, Amy, Howard, Krazy Joe Adventures, Chuck from the Technorama Podcast, Paul, Kyle, Steve, Bryn, Gary, Darren and Kalynn. If you'd like to join these podcast heroes to help support comedy4cast -- for as little as a dollar a month, and get episodes before everyone else -- go to patreon.com slash comedy4cast -- all one word, with the number "4". Thank you!
SIR PATRICK
As always, this is Sir Patrick Stewart.
CLINTON
And I'm Clinton, as in Clinton
SIR PATRICK
Saying
CLINTON
That's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.
SIR PATRICK
That's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.
MUSIC: UP AND OUT.
THE END