comedy4cast-765-TheGemJointJob

comedy4cast 765:
HaartteStoppers -- The Gem Joint Job

Written by

Clinton Alvord

First Draft: December 17, 2022

Episode released December 26, 2022

CAST (in order of appearance)

ID ANNOUNCER...............COMPUTER

CLINTON....................CLINTON ALVORD

HAARTTE

CHILD

MOTHER

DRIVER....................."KRAZY JOE" FIORE

DUNN.......................CLINTON ALVORD

LAMBERT

SWANSON

POLICE OFFICER

DANNY

SIR PATRICK.................SIR PATRICK STEWART

INTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

SOUND: COMEDY4CAST NETWORK ID STING

ID ANNOUNCER

The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear this for now.

SOUND: CHIRP AS ID BACKGROUND ENDS.

MUSIC: COMEDY4CAST INTRO MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

Oh, hi! You're here. Let's get started. This is comedy4cast episode 765, HaartteStoppers -- The Gem Joint Job. Brought to you by the amazing comedy4cast Patreon patrons. Thank you!

MUSIC: UP AND OUT.

SCENE 1: EXT. MIDDLING FAIR MAIN STREET - AFTERNOON

MUSIC: "HAARTTE'S THEME" IN AND UNDER.

HAARTTE

(addressing the listener)

Oh, it's you. You still want to be a detective, do you? Well, before you go slapping that title onto your business card and order way too many, you need to know how solve a crime.

SOUND: LIGHT TRAFFIC.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

HAARTTE (cont'd)

Lucky for you, I'm on my way to solve one right now. Who am I? The name's Haartte, Detective Haartte. Two A's, two T's. Spell it right. Say it right. Here, have a business card. I have plenty. If you live here in Middling Fair, you probably already knew that I've become kind of a big deal in this town, on account of me solving the case of the Waffle Batter sphere. Look around. Everyone is talking about me.

CHILD

(in background)

Mommy Mommy! Why is that strange man talking to himself?

MOTHER

(in background, concerned)

Never mind, dear. Let's keep walking.

HAARTTE

I'd be happy to tell you all about it. But you can also listen to how it all went down by going back to comedy4cast episode 733.

SOUND: SCREECHING TIRES.

DRIVER

(in background, yelling)

Hey, buddy! Out of the road.

HAARTTE

(yelling)

Sorry! No autographs today.

DRIVER

(in background, yelling)

How 'bout a punch in the junk?!

HAARTTE

(back to addressing listener)

Where was I? Oh, yeah. I'm on my way to the Middling Fair Jewelry Store and Pot Luck Supper Betting Parlor. Bonus tip -- Always put your money on pasta salad. It just so happens that Wilbert Dunn, the owner, was my first client when I set up my practice here in Middling Fair. Dunn says there's been a crime committed. So, naturally, he thought of me. Wait. That makes it sound like he thought of me because I committed the crime. Which I didn't. I have an airtight alibi. I was with myself the entire time.

MUSIC: FADES OUT.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS STOP.

HAARTTE (cont'd)

Ah. Here we are.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

SCENE 2: INT. JEWELRY STORE - DAY

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES, SILENCING THE OUTSIDE NOISE.

HAARTTE

I walked into the store to find Dunn behind a glass display case at the far side of the store. The case was full of knicks. And one or two nacks. There were also two customers seated in front of the case.

DUNN

(panicked)

Oh! Detective Haartte! Thank goodness! Please come over here to the counter.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS AS HAARTTE CROSSES THE ROOM.

HAARTTE

(as narration)

I crossed the room and wedged myself between the two customers.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS STOP.

HAARTTE (cont'd)

(addressing customers as he wedges himself in)

Sorry, folks. You'll have to take a number. It looks like I have an express lane pass. Part of the perks of being a big deal.

DUNN

(in a panic, correcting haartte's assumption)

Haartte! I've been robbed!

HAARTTE

We've been over this before, Wilbert. You can't expect to win "Best Jewelry Store in Town" every year. Get a grip.

DUNN

No. Not that.

(aside)

Although I am suspicious. I am the only jewelry store in town.

(back to panic)

One of my jewels is missing.

HAARTTE

It's probably just cold in here. Turn up the thermostat.

DUNN

What? No. I was showing Ms. Swanson the seven Salvatore Simon Spectacular Shooting Star Sapphires. But now, there are only six.

HAARTTE

I see. So two are missing.

DUNN

One!

HAARTTE

Which is it, Dunn? One or two? You're story is starting to fall apart!

LAMBERT

Is this going to take much longer? I have to get back to work.

HAARTTE

And who is this? Mr. Swanson?

DUNN

No. This is Mr. Lawrence Lambert.

HAARTTE

And why did you just happen to be here?

LAMBERT

I was looking for a lavender locket for my lovely wife, Louise Louanne Lindsey Lois Lambert, LLC.

DUNN

Mr. Lambert was examining that tray of lockets while I assisted Ms. Swanson.

HAARTTE

Ms. Sophie Swanson? Founder and star of Middling Fair's Extra Light Opera Company - the Two Percent Theater?

SWANSON

(in a deep, raspy voice, not surprised to be recognized)

That's me, dearie.

HAARTTE

I'll bet you excited to meet me. Again, no autographs.

SWANSON

No problem.

DUNN

Haartte! Focus. While I was showing Ms. Swanson the gems, my assistant, Ms. Lewandowski asked me a question. And when I looked back down, the gem was gone.

HAARTTE

What's the big deal? You still have five...

DUNN

Six!

HAARTTE

Six spectacular Salvatore Simon Shooting Star Sapphires to sell to Sophie Swanson.

SWANSON

I wouldn't be caught dead simply securing six Salvatore Simon Shooting Star Sapphires.

DUNN

(under his breath, anxious to resolve this incident)

Haartte, I can't have this kind of thing going on in my store.

HAARTTE

I think you're right. This alliteration is out of control.

DUNN

(to lambert and swanson)

Detective Haartte will solve this mystery. Do you know I gave him is his first case when he came to Middling Fair?

LAMBERT

(sarcastic)

I'm thrilled.

HAARTTE

(to LAMBERT)

Sorry, no...

LAMBERT

(interrupting)

No! I don't want your autograph.

MUSIC: ATMOSPHERIC JAZZ MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

HAARTTE

I took a moment to observe the suspects. Lambert was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts and Pueblo moccasins. Come on. Pick a location and stick with it!

LAMBERT

Does he know we can hear him?

HAARTTE

And Swanson had on a...what is that called?

SWANSON

A French terry jacket and pants set.

HAARTTE

No. I think it's mustard. There on your cheek.

SWANSON

What?!

DUNN

Haartte.

SOUND: RECORD SCRATCH.

MUSIC: CUTS OUT.

DUNN (cont'd)

The case?

HAARTTE

Oh, that. Already solved. Compared to the case of the Waffle Batter sphere, which I recently solved, this case was child's play. Hey kids, stay in school.

DUNN

(frustrated)

Then please, tell me who took my sapphire.

HAARTTE

Not just yet. There's the little matter of my fee.

DUNN

Your fee? Haartte, it's me -- Wilbert.

HAARTTE

You're right. Sorry. Look, I know your business is going through a rough patch right now. I hear there was recently a robbery.

DUNN

Yes. Thank you.

HAARTTE

I'm going to need cash.

DUNN

Ooooooh. Get out! Since you solved that case -- and probably not by yourself -- you've been insufferable! The police will be here in a minute. They'll get to the bottom of this. For free.

HAARTTE

Suit yourself. But remember -- every time they've been involved in a case I've solved, they've disagreed with my conclusion. Me. Detective Haartte.

DUNN

I'll take my chances.

HAARTTE

Whatever floats your boat. Let me just leave a few dozen business cards here on the counter.

DUNN

Get out!

MUSIC: "HAARTTE'S THEME" IN.

HAARTTE

I decided to leave.

SOUND: FOOTSTEP.

DUNN

Out!

SOUND: WHOOSH AS OBJECT FLIES THROUGH THE AIR.

SOUND: SMASHING OF GLASS.

SOUND: SHOP DOOR OPENS

SOUND: STREET NOISE IN.

SCENE 3: EXT. MIDDLING FAIR MAIN STREET - AFTERNOON

SOUND: SHOP DOOR CLOSES.

HAARTTE

That's all for today's lesson. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to...

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS RUNNING, COMING FROM SOME DISTANCE.

CLINTON

Haartte! Haartte! Wait!

HAARTTE

Sorry, No autographs.

CLINTON

I don't want any...

POLICE OFFICER

Excuse me. Coming through.

CLINTON

Oh, sorry officer.

SOUND: STORE DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING.

CLINTON (cont'd)

Haartte, I was back at the studio listening. You need to finish the lesson. This episode isn't called "Partial Haarttestopper".

HAARTTE

Fine. I'll give you four seconds to figure it out.

SOUND: FOUR TICKS OF A CLOCK.

SOUND: LARGE OBJECT CRASHING TO THE GROUND.

HAARTTE (cont'd)

Time's up! Did you figure it out. Ms. Swanson did it. She stole the gem.

CLINTON

How do you know?

HAARTTE

It was something she said.

CLINTON

What was that?

HAARTTE

"No problem." Anyone knows that performers always have problems. They're a deeply troubled bunch. She was probably down on her luck since her extra light opera production of "H.M.S. Pinafore" tanked. Maybe she should have left in the songs.

CLINTON

That's very interesting.

SOUND: STORE DOOR OPENS

POLICE OFFICER

All right, Lambert. Into the squad car.

LAMBERT

I'm innocent!

CLINTON

That's not Ms. Swanson.

POLICE OFFICER

Why should we arrest her? This guy had the store's missing gem shoved into his Irish Harp tobacco pipe. This guy just can't seem to pick a location.

LAMBERT

I'm also eclectic!

SOUND: CAR DOOR OPENS.

POLICE OFFICER

Yeah, yeah. Save it for the judge. Let's go!

SOUND: CAR DOOR CLOSES.

CLINTON

But Detective Haartte. You said...Where did he go?

DANNY

(from a slight distance away)

Oh, hi, Mr. Lambert. How's Laurie. Wow! Is that your new car?

CLINTON

Danny! Will you get away from there!

DANNY

Hi! Danny Hillcrest here.

CLINTON

Yes. I know. Where are you headed?

DANNY

To the postal stamp office. I need to send out this copy of my "Head over Deals in Love" Holiday romantic screenplay story script to the Lifetime cable network company.

MUSIC: BRIGHT MUSIC IN AND UNDER.

CLINTON

Oh. So Hallmark passed.

DANNY

Yeah. But they sent told me by sending me a really fun-ily nice rejection card.

CLINTON

That makes sense.

DANNY

I think it was one from American Greeting Card company.

MUSIC: "HAARTTE'S THEME" BEGINS TO PLAY, SOFTLY IN BACKGROUND.

CLINTON

(giving up)

I'm sure it was. Say goodbye, Danny.

DANNY'S VOICE FADES AWAY AS HE SPEAKS.

DANNY

(gasps)

Ooh! Where am I going? Will I ever see myself again? I hope I packed enough clothes. Was I going to Coat chella? I'll bet they have some nice warmly hot coats.

MUSIC: UP AND END.

OUTRO: COMEDY4CAST STUDIO

CLINTON

In this episode, the part of the car driver was played by Krazy Joe Fiore, from Krazy Joe Adventures.com.

MUSIC: "COMEDY4CAST" END THEME IN AND UNDER.

SIR PATRICK

My goodness! Look at the time. Let's wrap this up, shall we?

CLINTON

Right as always, Sir Patrick. But first, a shout out to our Patreon patrons. Thanks to Charlotte, Stan, Zack, Barry, Amy, Howard, Krazy Joe Adventures, Chuck, Paul, Kyle, Mike, Steve, Bryn, Gary, Darren -- and our newest patron, Kalynn. If you'd like to help power more episodes of comedy4cast -- for as little as a dollar a month, and get episodes before everyone else -- go to patreon.com slash comedy4cast -- all one word, with the number "4". Thank you!

SIR PATRICK

As always, this is Sir Patrick Stewart.

CLINTON

And I'm Clinton

SIR PATRICK

Saying

CLINTON

That's it. We're done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.

SIR PATRICK

That's it. We're done, done, done, done, done.

MUSIC: UP AND OUT.

--END--