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Choice of Toppings

The numbers don’t lie. This is a perfect slice.

A pair of mathematicians have run the numbers and have devised a way to guarantee you get the perfect slice of pizza. Today, we will tell you how you can easily replicate their results. (Run time: 5 minutes)

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>> Dog image by karsten_kettermann-2496499 and microphone image by alles-2597842, both courtesy of Pixabay
>> Certain sounds effects courtesy of freeSFX and FreeSound.or

Transcript:

CLINTON

Oh, hi there. Clinton here. And here’s today’s odd news story.

It’s a problem we’ve all faced — “How do I cut my pizza into 12 geometrically-perfect, completely equal slices?” Well, the answer is simple — according to Joel Haddley and Stephen Worsley.

While Haddley and Worsley sound like the vaudeville act that time forgot, they are actually mathematicians from the University of Liverpool. They’ve devised a pizza slice pattern by using a method that in the maths world is known as “monohedral disc tiling.”

Here’s all you need to do: First, order a pie from your favorite pizzeria, but simply tell them to not pre-slice it. They’ll be happy to do that! After all, we all know how easy it is to not do something that years of endless repetition has drilled into your scull to the point of it being muscle memory.

AUDIO BEGINS TO SPEED UP IN SMALL INCRIMENTS.

Then, cut the pizza into six radial-curved slices, each emanating from the exact center of the pizza. Obviously each cut must be spaced at precise 60 degree intervals. Haddley and Worsley used a three-arm protractor in their field experiments. You’re strongly encouraged to do the same.

You will end up with what can crudely be called a “star pattern.” With apologies to Neil DeGrasse-Tyson. If your pizza does not reflect this shape, please destroy the defective sample, order another pizza and try again — remembering the golden rule of any such project, measure twice, slice once — five times.

At this point, it is recommended that you take a short break, as a steady hand will be needed to complete the task. And please, no adult beverages during your off cycle. “Clear head, mathmatically-perfect slices.”

Gathering your wits, your pizza slicer and your protractor, you will now need to make a second set of cuts to each of the master incisions from the first session. At this stage of the project, you will have reached a critical juncture. There are two options for the second slicing pattern. One method will result in tapered slices, all emanating from the core, or hub, or center of the pizza. We will label that the “equilateral edge” option. Or, by employing the second technique, your resultant product will yield 6 slices with crust and 6 slices devoid of exposed dough edge. It is recommended that you poll your guests, presenting the benefits and drawbacks of each option. A PowerPoint presentation is highly recommended, in the unlikely event there are non-mathematicians in your group, unaccustomed to visualizing basic geometry theory.

Rank stack choice voting could result in…

SOUND: RECORD SCRATCH.

You know what? Originally I was choosing between two stories for this last Pizza Friday entry for 2021 Dog Days. I clearly made the wrong choice. So, may I introduce to you…

The “Pizza Pocket” hoodie. Invented by New Jersey resident Mike Hourani, this stylish garment is highlighted by a giant pizza slice graphic on the front — a good-old triangular pizza slice, with the crust edge up. But that bold illustration hides a secret. Unzip the zipper at the top and you’ll find a hidden, wedge-shaped pocket. Inside is a food-grade insulated pouch.

That’s right, now you can carry a warm slice of pizza with you where ever you go! Because maths is hard, but pizza should be easy!

But for now, that’s it, we’re done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.

Flagging Down A Meal

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A memorable encounter with a cuttlefish.

Researchers have been doing what they do best…research. This time, their experiments with marine life caught our attention. We think. It’s kind of hard to remember. (Run time: 5 minutes)

>> Call the new phone line: (213) 290-4451
>> Drop us an email at podcast @ comedy4cast.com
>> Not able to be a Patreon patron? Consider just buying Clinton some coffee
>> And be sure to check out everything happening over at The Topic is Trek, the other podcast Clinton does
>> Dog image by karsten_kettermann-2496499 and microphone image by alles-2597842, both courtesy of Pixabay
>> Certain sounds effects courtesy of freeSFX and FreeSound.org

Transcript:

CLINTON:

As people get older, they tend to forget things.

(PAUSE.)

Oh, hi there. Clinton here. And here is today’s Odd News story.

New research indicates cuttlefish – that’s C-U-T-T-L-E, not cuddly at all — that cuttlefish can remember events and call up past experiences right up to their last few days of life.

(PAUSE.)

And here is today’s Odd News story.

Memory tests were conduced on 24 cuttlefish. Half were the equivalent of very young teenager, and the other half were the equivalent of a human in their 90’s.

I loved the 90’s. Have I mentioned how many pogs I have in my collection?

Oh, hi there, Clinton here. And here is…

The cuttlefish were trained to identify two different flags dropped into their tank, one showed where they could go to be fed yummy grass shimp, mmmmmm. The other one told them where not-so-yummy king prawn would be served. Feh. And researchers kept randomizing the flag locations.

Okay. Now here’s where things get complicated. Uh. More complicated.

For the first meal of the day the cuttlefish had to find and wait by the shrimp flag. It was the only place where food would be delivered.

An hour later, the flags were back. Now the cuttlefish had to remember it already had its first meal, and this time it had to find and wait by the flag for the not so yummy prawns.

Finally, three hours after that, the cuttlefish could zip to either flag and wait to get fed. And the cuttlefish had to remember that way back three hours ago they had to choose the meh food and now they could go wait the shrimp flag again.

It turns out that all the cuttlefish could remember all the things they had to do. Even the really old ones remembered all the elements of the test. What? what test?

But us humans? As time goes by it gets harder and harder for us to remember info like times and places and things we’ve already done.

Oh, hi there, Clinton here. And here is today’s odd news story.

The cuttlefish — aww, cuddlefish — isn’t that cute. Cute cuddly fish don’t have a hippocampus. The hippocampus is how humans remember…what hippos they met it..”college?”

“What’s surprising,” said Dr. Schnell, is that even though the old cuttlefish showed “other signs of ageing like loss of muscle function and appetite and turning up the TV too loud, they were just as good as the younger ones in the memory task – in fact, many of the older ones did better in the test phase. See? Still relevant!

Personally, I think this memory difference is because what a human is thinking as they get older is different from what an old cuttlefish is thinking. The cuttlefish is thinking “Don’t get eaten by a shark. When are they putting those flags back in the water? Don’t get eaten by a shark. When are they putting those flags back in the water?” and old human people are thinking “Where did I put my keys? Did I leave the oven on? Why does everyone groan when I write a check at the grocery store? What day of the week is it this year? Did I leave the oven on? Do I like asparagus? What is asparagus?” There’s no room left to remember other stuff.

Oh, hi there. Clinton here. That’s it, we’re done, done, done,

Duck Port Of Call

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Ernie is excited about this story.

The seaside town of Belfast, Maine recently welcomed a new visitor to their harbor. No, it’s not Wally the Walrus. But, it is something really big. (Run time: 4-1/2 minutes)

Transcript:

CLINTON

Here’s a math problem for you: if a rubber ducky the size of a bar of soap is “lots of fun,” what about one the size of a truck full of jacuzzis?

That’s what residents of the seaside town of Belfast, Maine may be trying to calculate. Because there is a gigantic, bright yellow rubber ducky sitting in their harbor.

According to the city’s harbormaster, Katherine Given, the really, really, big bird suddenly appeared — or is it “landed” — on August 14th. It seems to be anchored to the bottom of the harbor. Officials say they have no idea who put it there.

The growth-spurt game bird, which looks exactly like it’s smaller bathtub counterpart, is estimated to be about 25 feet tall, and has one distinguishing feature — uh, aside from being 25 feet tall. The word “Joy” is written in large letters on the front of the fowl of unusual size.

At first residents thought it might have been connected to Belfest Harborfest, which had concluded at the end of the previous weekend. But organizers said they had nothing to do with it. Others think the massive mallard may have come from nearby Islesboro Island, where a similar, or the same duck had reportedly been spotted.

Regardless of where the Daffy Down-Easter came from, it seems to be making a big splash with the locals.

“Everybody loves it,” Harbormaster Given told the Bangor Daily News. “I have no idea who owns it, but it kind of fits Belfast. A lot of people want to keep it here.”

Indeed. It has already become quite the tourist attraction. Residents of other towns have been making a detour to the harbor just to see the salt-water quacker.

Giant rubber ducks have been making themselves seen for at least the past 20 years, when artist Florentijn Hofman began installing them in waterways on a worldwide tour. He called the project “Spreading Joy Around the World.” However, those ducks stood six stories tall, truly making even the world’s largest harbors look like bathtubs.

Given said she isn’t in any hurry to get rid of the surprise visitor, even though it has migrated a bit. Originally the floating fowl figure was in the shallows, in an area where it didn’t interfere with trafic. However, wind from a recent thunderstorm dragged it a little closer to the mouth of the harbor.

“If it was in the middle of the mooring field, it could be kind of a navigational hazard,” she said, but added that in it’s current location, “it’s not bothering anybody.”

If the enormous avian does begin to make an exit from the harbor, we can offer only one piece of advice: Make way for duckling!

But for now, that’s it. We’re done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.

This One Stands Alone

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We have to hand it to this criminal.

When a lawbreaker gets busted because something was cracked, well, it simply MUST be an Odd News story. (Run time: 3 minutes)

Transcript:

CLINTON:
Oh, hi there. Clinton here. And here’s today’s odd news story.

A drug dealer in Liverpool, England has been given a 13-and-a-half year sentence for his crimes. Carl Stewart had previously evaded police by using an phone to hide his identity. The so-called EncroChat phone is a highly-encrypted device, often used by criminals.

So, what ultimately lead to Stewart’s capture? Did a fellow criminal rat him out? No, but you’re getting warmer. That’s because Stewart was done in by a block of cheese – Mature Blue Stilton to be precise.

Police had recently cracked the EncroChat phone system that Stewart was using, which lead to the arrest of hundreds of people in the UK suspected of major crimes.

But how did they nab Stewart? And what does this have to do with cheese?

The now-former drug dealer, who had been posting under the alias “toffeeforce” made the mistake of uploading a picture of a wrapped package of M&S Stilton — showing his fingers and palm in the photo. Police were able to analyze the picture, matching the prints to those on file for Mr. Stewart.

Shortly thereafter, he was brought before the magistrate at Liverpool Crown Court, where he pleaded guilty to a number of crimes, including conspiracy to supply drugs and the transfer of criminal property.

Mr. Stewart will be out of jail in 2034. No word if the Stilton will wait for him.

But for now, that’s it. We’re done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.

No Roadies Required

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Catch this star’s European tour.

Things seem to be going swimmingly for one rockstar this summer. They are doing all the typical things associated with celebrities on tour. And no one appears to be stopping them. Hec, they can’t wait to see if he stops by their expensive boat. (Run time: 4-1/2 minutes)