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Treaties Rock

Historians witness history on the move.

What do a simple farmer, a bunch of historians and Napoleon have to do with each other? They probably didn’t all share an Uber. Find out what it’s all about by listening to this Odd News story. (Run time: 5 minutes)

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>> Dog image by karsten_kettermann-2496499 and microphone image by alles-2597842, both courtesy of Pixabay
>> Certain sounds effects courtesy of freeSFX and FreeSound.org

Transcript:

CLINTON

Since the dawn of civilization, people have defended their homes, their tribes and, eventually, the borders of their countries. Wars have been waged, harsh words spoken, and even the occasional finger has been wagged in a very impolite way. Manors people, manors. We’re not animals.

But, recently, one farmer overturned the applecart of history by single-handedly changing the internationally-recognized border between two nations. And they did it without firing a single shot, bribing a single official, or even having a clue that they were doing it.

While tending their fields, a Belgian farmer moved a 330-pound stone out of the path of their tractor. Presumably using the tractor to accomplish this task. I mean, unless there’s a superhero aspect to this story that I missed.

Anyway, the farmer moved the stone 7 and a half feet and when on about the business of tending their crops. What crops? I don’t know. Let’s say pretzels. And not the tiny ones. The big, honkin’ size-of-your-head pretzels. The key is salting them at just the right time, because if it rains, all your work gets washed away.

but let’s dog ear that for now.

What the farmer didn’t know was that a roaming band of historians were out and about in the area. Side note: if you ever run into a wild pack of historians, don’t run, they smell fear. Simply ask them to explain the transition between the middle ages and the renaissance. While they’re busy arguing the finer points of traditional beliefs that it stems from the rise of humanism versus the modern opinion that the term is a meaningless delineation, you can slip away.

On this particular day, the historians were studying stones that are used to mark the 620 kilometer border between Belgium and France. These massive markers were put in place under the 1820 Treaty of Kortrijk, after Napoleon’s defeat at Waterloo in 1815.

All was going well. Until they discovered, to their horror, that one of the stones had been moved 7 and a half feet into what was, or had been up until that moment, Bousignies-sur-roc, France.

That’s right. In the farmer’s desire to speed the process of tilling their pretzel fields, the Belgian had unwittingly moved a section of the Franco-Belgian border by 2.3 meters.

When Mayor David Lavaux, of Erquelinnes, Belgium was notified about the incident, he said “Belgium and our municipality are enlarged! The French don’t agree, obviously.”

We’re not sure how many troops were dispatched to the area, or how many calls he received from the United Nations, NATO and Rand McNally, but Lavaux added, “Gonna have to put things back in place.”

Lavaux said the farmer will not face any legal consequences if they returns the stone to its original position. However, the farmer may be considering another option. If enough of the border stones rest on their property, it might be possible to place the rocks in a circle, forming the new, independent nation of “Pretzel-vania!”

SOUND: CLAP OF THUNDER

CLINTON

(LAUGHING.) Ah, ha, ha. But for now, that’s it, we’re done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.

Fish Bicycle For Sale

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Sharks will find a way.

Something unusual has happened at an aquarium on the island of Sardinia. That gives us an excuse to head back to Europe to investigate another water-based Odd News story. (Run time: 4 minutes)

Transcript:

CLINTON:

Today’s story takes us back to Italy. To the Acquario Cala Gonone in Sardinia to be precise. This lovely Aquarium sits atop a hill that affords a breathtaking view of the Mediterranean. Too bad, because we’re headed inside right away. No time for a selfie. Okay. Maybe just one. Or two.

All right. Are we set now? Good. Let’s head inside. Admission? Uh, let’s see. Adults, 12 euros. children 4-12, 6.50. Is anyone in the group over 65? Because that’s 9 euros.

Everyone set? Great. Here we go. We want to go directly to the shark exhibit. Uh, did anyone grab an aquarium map? What? No. I don’t know where the lavatory is? I don’t have a map. Can someone get a…Wait. Where are you people going. What do you mean? It’s not time for a snack.

Okay, you know what, you and I will head this way. I see a sign over here. This is the way we want to go. This is the tank that is home to the aquariums two female smooth-hound sharks. Hmmm? There are three sharks in there? Ah, yes. That’s the odd news.

You see, the aquarium has been home to these two smooth-hound sharks for over a decade. Just two females. But one of them recently gave birth. That one there, the baby, is named Isperia.

Chances are good they didn’t name it that in honor of the character from “Magic: The Gathering.” The name means “Hope.” But the big story here is that this means that smooth-hound sharks are probably capable of parthenogenesis.

I know. That sounds like it’s the origin story for the Parthenon, but no. It’s a form of asexual reproduction and this would be the first documented case of it in this type of shark.

In parthenogenesis, the egg is fertilized by what is known as a polar cell. It contains a duplicate of an egg’s DNA. That means Isperia would actually be a genetic clone of her mother. So, when someone says to them “You two look so much alike.” they would be 100% correct.

This biological process has only been observed in three species of shark: the bonnethead, the blacktip shark and the zebra shark.

The aquarium will be running DNA tests to help verify that Isperia is, in fact, a genetic clone. They should also warn Ingen that there may be a problem with the dinosaurs in their Jurassic Park. Can you hear me, Doctor Wu?

Okay now, let’s find the rest of the group. What do you mean they went out on a boat tour? What if Wally the Walrus is out there?

This Story Has Been Framed

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Looking for art in all the wrong places.

When homeowners find a misplaced painting and bring it in for restoration, they discover a shocking secret. (Run time: 3-1/2 minutes)

Transcript:

CLINTON
Oh, hi there. Clinton here. And here’s today’s odd news story.

If you want proof that things are the same no matter where you live, look no farther than this story that comes to us from Italy.

Rembrandt’s “The Adoration of the Magi” was painted by the artist in the early 1630’s. And was consider to be one of the master’s great paintings. Great lost painting, that is. Until 2016. That’s when the owners of a country home in Rome province found it after it had fallen off the wall of their villa. My guess is it fell behind the couch and ended up spending the next few years hanging out with dust bunnies, biscotti crumbs and one or two euro coins. Kinda like what happened to your TV remote last week.

The painting, that the owners believed was a copy, was sent to art restorer Antonella Di Francesco for repairs. Di Francesco is rumored to have apprenticed by restoring such masterpieces as the Kramer, Washington crossing the Delaware on a 2005 Honda Jet Ski and Dogs sitting around a table playing Settlers of Katan.

Even though the painting had been darkened by old varnish, it only took a little bit of cleaning before Di Francesco realized it was the work of the great Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn. Pretty good, since it could have been easy to mistake if for the work of the famed Dutch accessories store Rembrandt While-You-Wait. Timeless masterpieces in an hour. Guaranteed. Caution, wet paint.

But lets dog ear that for now.

In June, the French Academy of the Villa Medici in Rome confirmed that the painting was indeed an original at the symposium “Rembrandt: Identifying the Prototype, Seeing the Invisible,” Rembrandt used to paint invisible paintings? Restoring those must be tricky.

The Roman family that owns the painting could sell the work, which is valued a somewhere between $80 and $240 million dollars. Instead, they plan to lend it to museums and galleries for public viewing. At least that was the plan. The painting seems to have gone missing again. Right around the same time the family discovered they couldn’t find the the controller for their playstation.

But for now, that’s it, we’re done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.

Choice of Toppings

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The numbers don’t lie. This is a perfect slice.

A pair of mathematicians have run the numbers and have devised a way to guarantee you get the perfect slice of pizza. Today, we will tell you how you can easily replicate their results. (Run time: 5 minutes)

Transcript:

CLINTON

Oh, hi there. Clinton here. And here’s today’s odd news story.

It’s a problem we’ve all faced — “How do I cut my pizza into 12 geometrically-perfect, completely equal slices?” Well, the answer is simple — according to Joel Haddley and Stephen Worsley.

While Haddley and Worsley sound like the vaudeville act that time forgot, they are actually mathematicians from the University of Liverpool. They’ve devised a pizza slice pattern by using a method that in the maths world is known as “monohedral disc tiling.”

Here’s all you need to do: First, order a pie from your favorite pizzeria, but simply tell them to not pre-slice it. They’ll be happy to do that! After all, we all know how easy it is to not do something that years of endless repetition has drilled into your scull to the point of it being muscle memory.

AUDIO BEGINS TO SPEED UP IN SMALL INCRIMENTS.

Then, cut the pizza into six radial-curved slices, each emanating from the exact center of the pizza. Obviously each cut must be spaced at precise 60 degree intervals. Haddley and Worsley used a three-arm protractor in their field experiments. You’re strongly encouraged to do the same.

You will end up with what can crudely be called a “star pattern.” With apologies to Neil DeGrasse-Tyson. If your pizza does not reflect this shape, please destroy the defective sample, order another pizza and try again — remembering the golden rule of any such project, measure twice, slice once — five times.

At this point, it is recommended that you take a short break, as a steady hand will be needed to complete the task. And please, no adult beverages during your off cycle. “Clear head, mathmatically-perfect slices.”

Gathering your wits, your pizza slicer and your protractor, you will now need to make a second set of cuts to each of the master incisions from the first session. At this stage of the project, you will have reached a critical juncture. There are two options for the second slicing pattern. One method will result in tapered slices, all emanating from the core, or hub, or center of the pizza. We will label that the “equilateral edge” option. Or, by employing the second technique, your resultant product will yield 6 slices with crust and 6 slices devoid of exposed dough edge. It is recommended that you poll your guests, presenting the benefits and drawbacks of each option. A PowerPoint presentation is highly recommended, in the unlikely event there are non-mathematicians in your group, unaccustomed to visualizing basic geometry theory.

Rank stack choice voting could result in…

SOUND: RECORD SCRATCH.

You know what? Originally I was choosing between two stories for this last Pizza Friday entry for 2021 Dog Days. I clearly made the wrong choice. So, may I introduce to you…

The “Pizza Pocket” hoodie. Invented by New Jersey resident Mike Hourani, this stylish garment is highlighted by a giant pizza slice graphic on the front — a good-old triangular pizza slice, with the crust edge up. But that bold illustration hides a secret. Unzip the zipper at the top and you’ll find a hidden, wedge-shaped pocket. Inside is a food-grade insulated pouch.

That’s right, now you can carry a warm slice of pizza with you where ever you go! Because maths is hard, but pizza should be easy!

But for now, that’s it, we’re done, done, done, done, done. Bye bye.

Flagging Down A Meal

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A memorable encounter with a cuttlefish.

Researchers have been doing what they do best…research. This time, their experiments with marine life caught our attention. We think. It’s kind of hard to remember. (Run time: 5 minutes)

>> Call the new phone line: (213) 290-4451
>> Drop us an email at podcast @ comedy4cast.com
>> Not able to be a Patreon patron? Consider just buying Clinton some coffee
>> And be sure to check out everything happening over at The Topic is Trek, the other podcast Clinton does
>> Dog image by karsten_kettermann-2496499 and microphone image by alles-2597842, both courtesy of Pixabay
>> Certain sounds effects courtesy of freeSFX and FreeSound.org

Transcript:

CLINTON:

As people get older, they tend to forget things.

(PAUSE.)

Oh, hi there. Clinton here. And here is today’s Odd News story.

New research indicates cuttlefish – that’s C-U-T-T-L-E, not cuddly at all — that cuttlefish can remember events and call up past experiences right up to their last few days of life.

(PAUSE.)

And here is today’s Odd News story.

Memory tests were conduced on 24 cuttlefish. Half were the equivalent of very young teenager, and the other half were the equivalent of a human in their 90’s.

I loved the 90’s. Have I mentioned how many pogs I have in my collection?

Oh, hi there, Clinton here. And here is…

The cuttlefish were trained to identify two different flags dropped into their tank, one showed where they could go to be fed yummy grass shimp, mmmmmm. The other one told them where not-so-yummy king prawn would be served. Feh. And researchers kept randomizing the flag locations.

Okay. Now here’s where things get complicated. Uh. More complicated.

For the first meal of the day the cuttlefish had to find and wait by the shrimp flag. It was the only place where food would be delivered.

An hour later, the flags were back. Now the cuttlefish had to remember it already had its first meal, and this time it had to find and wait by the flag for the not so yummy prawns.

Finally, three hours after that, the cuttlefish could zip to either flag and wait to get fed. And the cuttlefish had to remember that way back three hours ago they had to choose the meh food and now they could go wait the shrimp flag again.

It turns out that all the cuttlefish could remember all the things they had to do. Even the really old ones remembered all the elements of the test. What? what test?

But us humans? As time goes by it gets harder and harder for us to remember info like times and places and things we’ve already done.

Oh, hi there, Clinton here. And here is today’s odd news story.

The cuttlefish — aww, cuddlefish — isn’t that cute. Cute cuddly fish don’t have a hippocampus. The hippocampus is how humans remember…what hippos they met it..”college?”

“What’s surprising,” said Dr. Schnell, is that even though the old cuttlefish showed “other signs of ageing like loss of muscle function and appetite and turning up the TV too loud, they were just as good as the younger ones in the memory task – in fact, many of the older ones did better in the test phase. See? Still relevant!

Personally, I think this memory difference is because what a human is thinking as they get older is different from what an old cuttlefish is thinking. The cuttlefish is thinking “Don’t get eaten by a shark. When are they putting those flags back in the water? Don’t get eaten by a shark. When are they putting those flags back in the water?” and old human people are thinking “Where did I put my keys? Did I leave the oven on? Why does everyone groan when I write a check at the grocery store? What day of the week is it this year? Did I leave the oven on? Do I like asparagus? What is asparagus?” There’s no room left to remember other stuff.

Oh, hi there. Clinton here. That’s it, we’re done, done, done,