The Results Are In

SCENE 1: INT. AUDITORIUM – EVENING

MUSIC: ELECTION NEWS THEME IN AND UNDER

ANNOUNCER:
Election coverage continues. Grassssssside Greene Picks a New Mayor. Here, from the Garfield “Lucky” Dubois Memorial Auditorium in Grassssssside Greene – it’s Buzz “Cracked Up” Thompson.

MUSIC: THEME ENDS

SOUND: PEOPLE MILLING ABOUT IN THE AUDITORIUM

BUZZ:
Can we get that fixed for the next break? This is, in fact, Buzz “Scoop” Crackerjack Thomas, ace investigative field reporter for the Middling Fair Courier Times Roman Bold Italic.

Hello, Mr. And Ms. Election Night junkies. The polls are now closed in Grassssssside Greene. As well as everything else here in town. This place rolls up the sidewalk at dusk. Probably a good idea after their legendary zombie invasion. But back to the elections. As you know, by this point, this reporter would normally be able to project a winner. However, the words “Normal, “Winner” and “Grassssssside Greene” go together like peanut butter and Jell-o. Every citizen over the age of 18 was allowed to vote, and the ballot is 100% write-in, making it impossible to call the election early. Gah. Don’t these people know I have a hard-out at 9 PM. Apparently reruns of “Cougar Town” score big with our core demographic. Who are you people?

DANNY:
I love “Cougar Town”! Do you really think Courtney Cox murdered Busy Philips?

BUZZ:
Great Shadows of Diane Sawyer! What are you doing here, Hillcrest!

DANNY:
Your editorial Editor-in-Chief, Mrs. Alabaster sent me over. She said you were tanking and needed my help.

BUZZ:
Oh. Did she?

DANNY:
Where’s the tank? Are we bobbing for apple sauce?

BUZZ:
(addressing audience)
Let’s take a quick break. We’ll be right back.
(pause)
Listen, Hillcrest. I don’t care what Alabaster told you, elections are my beat. I’ve been unknowingly influencing the direction of last-minute voters for decades.

SOUND: INTERCOM CLICKS ON

DIRECTOR (OVER SPEAKER):
Hey, guys.

SOUND: INTERCOM CLICKS OFF

BUZZ:
I don’t need a Gen X L boomer coming in here and…

SOUND: INTERCOM CLICKS ON

FLOOR MANAGER:
Uh, guys. Just so you know, we never went to a commercial. We don’t have any sponsors for this show.

BUZZ:
Oh. Uh. “Aaaaaaand scene.” As they say in the improv world.

DANNY
I love improv! I wonder who writes all that stuff?

BUZZ:
Back to our coverage. This reporter..

MUSIC: ELECTION NEWS THEME IN AND UNDER

ANNOUNCER:
Now, Election coverage continues. Grassssssside Greene Picks a New Mayor.

BUZZ:
(in background)
I didn’t realize they were going to run this again.

ANNOUNCER:
Here, from the Garfield “Lucky” Dubois Memorial Auditorium in Grassssssside Greene is Danny Hillcrest.
(as an afterthought)
Oh, and Buzz Corndog is here too.

DANNY:
Hi! Danny Hillcrest here!

BUZZ:
(under his breath)
I have a Peabody Award.

DANNY:
It’s crazily wild here in the gym tonight. Not “‘Carrie’ has gone insane” crazy, but it does have a kind of “Back to the Future 2” “Enchantment Under the Sea Dance” vibe.

BUZZ:
(through clenched teeth)
Thank you for that color commentary, Danny.

DANNY:
Colors? Sure. The gym auditorium hall is bathed in 60 watt equivalent LED bulbs. And I can use my phone to control them.
(speaking to phone)
“Hey, Amanda, change the lights to red-ish violet green.”

SOUND: COMPUTER CHIRP

SOUND: CROWD “OOOOHS”

BUZZ:
Gah! I can’t read my notes. Now, where was I? Oh, right. The election. Since every voting-age person in town had the option of writing in their own name, this reporter’s unofficial polling indicates that everyone did write in their own name, meaning this election will end in a complete tie.

DANNY:
I hope it’s not a clip-on. Those things are a pain to keep untying and retying!

BUZZ:
I remind my audience that I wanted to work alone. Hang on. It looks like Melvyn Hornswoggle, head of town elections, is about to announce the results.

DANNY:
Oh. No spoilers, please! I’m British!

MELVYN:
Hello.

DANNY:
(yelling)
Actually, I’m not!

MELVYN:
Testing. Am I too close?

SOUND: FEEDBACK

MELVYN:
I’ll back up. First of all, I want to thank everyone for coming out to vote today. And for having such neat penmanship. It made things go very smoothly for our vote counters. Thank you Ernest, Julio.

SOUND: SCATTERING OF APPLAUSE

MELVYN:
Now we have been fortunate enough to go without a natural disaster for nearly ninety minutes, so I won’t press my luck by reading off the names of everyone who received one vote. I think you can guess that would be a lot of names. However, there was one individual who actually received two votes.

SOUND: CROWD IS SHOCKED, MUMBLES

MELVYN:
And, as you may know, according to our by-laws, that makes them the winner of this election. Congratulations to “Barkley Sparks.”

SOUND: SCATTERING OF APPLAUSE

MELVYN:
Is he or she — or they here?

DANNY:
Oh, look! Here come two someones now!

SOUND: TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS

BUZZ:
Ladies and gentlemen, a rather bland looking couple is approaching the stage. And I am now realizing that I am so close to the stage they probably heard all that. But, which one of these generic citizens is ley Sparks?

NORA:
(rather monotone and boring)
Hello, everyone. I’m Nora Sparks.

FLOYD:
(also bland and boring)
And I’m Floyd Sparks. This is pretty exciting. Woohoo.

BUZZ:
Never mind the pleasantries. I’ve only got forty five seconds left before we cut to a classic episode with somebody drinking way too much wine. Which one of you is “Barkley?”

NORA:
Well, that’s a funny story. Isn’t it, Floyd.

FLOYD
It sure is. But you can tell it best, Nora.

NORA:
Oh, no. You’re the story-teller in this family.

BUZZ:
Get on with it!

NORA:
Well, Floyd and I are proud of our town and we both wanted to be sure to vote. But neither of us wanted to be mayor.

FLOYD:
Too exciting.

NORA:
So, we both agreed to vote for Barkley instead.

BUZZ:
(practically screaming)
Who. Is. Barkley?

NORA:
Here he comes now.

SOUND: AUDITORIUM DOORS OPEN

SOUND: MURMURING OF CROWD

SOUND: DOG WALKS INTO ROOM

BARKLEY:
Bark. Bark.

DANNY:
I did not see that one coming. Probably because the door was closed!

BUZZ:
Great Comb-over over Howard Cossell!

BARKLEY:
Woof. Woof.

BUZZ:
That dog can’t be Mayor. He isn’t even old enough!

FLOYD:
There’s nothing in the by-laws that says you have to be 18 to win, just to vote.

SOUND: SHUFFLING OF PAPER

MELVYN:
Goodness sakes — oh, pardon my language — he’s right. As far as I can tell, you don’t even have to be from Earth to win. In that way, a Labrador Retriever seems a rather mundane selection.

BARKLEY:
Bark. Bark.

NORA:
All right, Barkley, it’s time for your tick bath. You can come back and be Mayor some more tomorrow.

DANNY:
I love it!

BUZZ:
Well this reporter has now seen everything. If there is one thing we can take away from all this, it’s that…

ANNOUNCER:
We now join “Cougar Town,” already in progress.

SOUND: LIQUID BEING POURED INTO GLASS